FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| simpleplan13 2008-05-19 ch 1,  | abuseSorry it took so long to review as requested... school was killing me. Orfanage,.. orphanage Used be orfan here,.. orphan Ok I really like the beginning listing all the adjective like that was nice and asking why, and the next part as an explanation was good, but not as good because they're different. Years ago/Parents died that sounds like a short sentence broken into two lines, but Orphanage doesn't fit with those because its just a noun. Also I might put a colon after orphanage because the next few lines describe the orphanage. The next part works because it's all like one sentence kinda split up. Though Why make it better for them,... is a question so I might end it with a question mark. The last part wasn't my thing. It's too preachy and happy and honestly a bit irrelevant to the orphan. It doesn't relate back to her and making her world happier, if that makes sense. I think it's a good start, especially the beginning. Good luck editing it. If you need me to explain anything or want my opinion on anything else let me know. |
| xStrawberryPavlovax 2008-05-02 ch 1, | abuseAmazingly deep ^^ |
| Riding Rocks da World 2008-04-30 ch 1, | abusereally really good! they all are!! |
| DollyMixRockOutLoud 2008-04-30 ch 1, | abuseblimey somebody bring me a tissue, that is so so sosososososososososososo lovely. Can I put that on my profile? I will credit you. |
| Random-Idiocity 2008-04-24 ch 1, | abuse''People need to love'' such a true and powerful line. This was a very excellent piece, so sad too. Keep it Up! |