Reviews for Darkness Benieth My Wings

Zonne
2008-06-14
ch 1,

abuseUm, wow. That was one intense little story.

I really like the intensity you managed to express, the anger, the power and powerlessness combined. You didn't let up for one second. That's incredible

I also liked the way you pulled the reader in instantly. No descriptions of rooms or people, just 100% emotion.

THe scene change - from the selling of the girl to the bloody hands was too abrupt. Even if there was a line or something - not words - but something - that would have helped. Even so, I couldn't stop reading.

Check out the Review Marathon in my profile - Zonne

(Really powerful piece you wrote here!)

Royal Bliss
2008-04-26
ch 1,

abuseInteresting idea. There's some spelling errors though... even in the title... Beneath not Benieth and in the summary. Heroin not Heroine. I think you should tone down on the caps a little. I get that she's shouting, exclamation marks prove that...which makes the caps unnecessary. Also there's an excessive use of commas. It's okay to break things up into shorter sentences. For instance:

"I ran home when to my room, and found the angriest, loudest music I could and turned it up all the way, and screamed, at the top of my lungs, I screamed until I started to cry."

You could make it:

"I ran home and went to my room. I found the angriest, loudest music I could. I turned it up all the way and screamed at the top of my lungs. I screamed until I started to cry."

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