Reviews for Drops of Glass - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Drops of Glass

Zonne 2008-05-05 ch 1,	abuseHere is your freebie prize that you fought for so valiantly. (sp??) “to find pleasure in others discomfort.” I think others should be other’s (as discomfort belong to the ‘other’) but could go either way. ““Err… 2X?” 2X was a good number, it was strong and masculine yet had a feminine flare. Obviously, Mr. Uryrami didn’t see the artistic aspect of my guess. “That’s incorrect,” he stated monotonously and I shrugged, not even attempting to cover up my lacking interest in the subject. “Mr. Yurak could you explain why it’s incorrect?”’ This just needs to be broken into paragraphs more obviously. I think you just lost your double spacing here. “We’ll be devastated without you, I replied sarcastically, earning myself a raised, crooked eyebrow, but I took no notice of it. Back to the topic at hand. Kichiro wants me to help him out with some of his business propositions this weekend.” I was unsure if the “Back to the topic at hand” was supposed to be part of the note or if was something else. Kind of confusing. Maybe just drop it out completely. Don’t think you’d lose anything. “The people around us seemed almost desperate to cling to another being, they were in little chattering cliques. I hated cliques.” Being and they should be separated with a semicolon – not a comma. ““C’mon, let’s go in here,” I spotted an empty classroom and thrust my head in; satisfied that it was empty, I dragged Kuro in and shut the door with a snap. We were going to exit the school in the old escapee fashion, simply because we could.” The above paragraph is awkward to read. Try making the first sentence end at “in” and the second end at “snap” I think that it would make more sense and be easier to read. ““You alright?” Kuro was leaning headfirst out the opening and I let out a laughter of mirth, alerting him that yes, I was still insane, therefore nothing was damaged. “I’m coming down” I don’t know what a laughter of mirth is, but it seems weird. A mirthful laugh! Try that. Okay, other comments. I liked the story characters, they were well developed. I liked the intro at the beginning; short, sweet, to-the-point, but still strong and complete. I like the commentary on the math teacher, the cliques, the hallways, etc… that gave me a good sense of the scene and the feelings of the character without talking about it excessively. The note passing or whispering part had me totally confused. It would help greatly if you identified who is talking. There is absolutely nothing wrong with “Kuro said” or whispered or ?? I had a really hard time following that section. I got the jist of it, they were making plans and not interested in school, but I really felt confused, esp. since I didn’t know any of the other players in the game. Good job… keep on writin’ Z
B. J. Winters 2008-05-04 ch 3,	abuseAgain - returning the favor (subtle thanks for the review you offered me). I'm not sure this part was here the other day when I swung by. I'll admit the (1) in the top part threw me. I noticed at the end you are using a footnote but for simplicity you might want to use a * or put this elsewhere -- not a biggie though. The italics here is far more "heavy" than the comment on uniforms in Part 2. It makes it unbalanced from a readers perspective - I was expecting something light so it was a bit of a turnoff since I understand the science. My suggestion would be to understand what you really want to accomplish with the italic in each chapter and be consistent. You might also want to elude to the science using dialogue (e.g. -- so you know what happens if there's a negative...yes...blah, blah, blah.,.,,) Give it more suspense and use your strength -0- build it up as a big thing rather than treating it like a fact to be explained away (just an idea..sorry...probably messing with your story too much. The only other thing I'll ramble on is your use of "He/Him". Death by pronouns. :) Use the character name more, or use an attribute (for example, the dark haired man, the blue eyes boy, my friend...etc). This brings variety into the mix and keeps the reader more engaged while allowing some subtle descriptions to add value. Phrasing thing: Do you know how much of his work would go invaluable?” -- {awkward. Did you mean invaluable or something else?} Again - dialogue is good and flows well. You might want to remind the reader where they are. I get that they are eating but more descriptions of time/place would let those of us that didn't read Part 2 and 3 right after each other keep the scene in front of us. Plot - I'm not sure what to expect in the next chapter. That could be a good thing or a bad thing. I did love the last bit of dialogue though - I can just see the waitresses expression. Bet she wondered what sort of tip she might get. Keep going!
Esther Jade 2008-05-04 ch 3,	abuseThe plot seems to be communicating more and more clearly. I'm a little bit confused about some aspects - is Kichiro a hematologist? I can't see what his motivation for his research is though you'll probably cover this later. Your main character is communicating more and more clearly. I have to say I find a bit obnoxious but considering the way you're constructing her, that might be deliberate. You have some quite interesting turns of phrase when describing things. I noticed it more in the previous chapter than in this one but some of your descriptions are really quite nice. Minor points: His words were very slow and lethargic, I answered sourly. - I was a bit confused by this piece. it’s own right. - That should be an "its" I think because it seems you're using it as a possessive pronoun rather than the contraction for "it is". why is Kichiro - Typo. That should start with a capital letter. would go invaluable? - This might be deliberate but I think what she's saying is that it would not be valuable which is not what "invaluable" means. his work is all based - Typo, I think that should start with a capital letter. He asked simplistically - I don't think you mean "simplistically" here. It doesn't quite seem to be the right word choice.
Esther Jade 2008-05-04 ch 2,	abuseInstead of the note at the beginning of this chapter, I would recommend having a scene where she's getting dressed in the morning. That way you communicate it in what, in my opinion, would be a more reader-friendly way. The first allusion to the plot seems to come at the end of this chapter. I don't know if it might be worth putting something a little bit earlier in the story. The main character seems quite quirky and comes off quite clearly. She doesn't particularly nice. I don't know if you need the notes to show that she's straightforward; I think that communicates anyway. A lot of the opinion that you put in notes could go in the main part of the story and I think it would make it easier to sink into the story. Every time there's a note it disrupts the flow for me and makes it harder for me to believe in the story. Anyway, that's my rant over. Again, the dialogue flowed well and sounded authentic. Minor points: “Not really, but I do wonder what Kichiro doesn’t let you know,” I rolled my eyes and perched further on the concrete lip. - This is another case where I think that second comma should be a full stop. “Well, conversation is certainly scant today,” he gave me an amused look and I presented him with a half smile with his surveillance on my changing moods. - Again, I think that second comma should be a full stop. The truth of the words were questionable - That "were" should be a "was" because the subject is the "truth" which is singular. You’re turn. - Unless you're indicating how he speaks, that should be a "your" instead of a "you're". “If mine was demonic, yours was completely sick,” His hand moved down to mine - Again, I think the second comma should be a full stop. out door seating - I think this is a typo. "Outdoor" should be one word. The servers fat - There should be an apostrophe in "servers". She blinked confused - "Confused" is a verb and I think what you want here is an adverb so add an "ly".
Esther Jade 2008-05-04 ch 1,	abuseReview game! I like your dialogue. You have a good ear for it and so it comes across as authentic. It's probably the strongest aspect of this chapter so having a lot of it was a good decision, in my opinion. I didn't like the character sketches at the beginning and end of the piece. They sound like something that should be part of your own notes in building the story rather than actually being in the story. They're a prime example of telling rather than showing. Rather allow these pieces of information to come across to the reader as your story progresses and the reader can make their own conclusions about the characters. Minor points: you’re theory - I'm pretty sure that "you're" should be a "your". “It’s on the board,” I slid my gaze past his pointing fingers and looked blankly at the board. - As sliding the note doesn't describe how the character speaks, that comma should probably be a full stop. he stated monotony - Monotony is a noun so I think you mean "monotonously" which is the adverb. Mr. Yurak could you explain why it’s incorrect. - That should end in a question mark because it sounds like question.
UnsightlyFritterpaste 2008-05-03 ch 1,	abuseYou have a wild amount of skill under your belt and you know it, don't waste your time on these manga fics, you're better than that. (The damn sexy man-beast.) ^o' ~Fritz
B. J. Winters 2008-05-02 ch 2,	abuseI’m not sure you need the editorial on the uniforms unless you plan to make this a gimmick/pattern on the story. I was looking for a continuation of the action in the prior Part so it distracted me to hear this aside. This is a great visual for character development (I can “see” the cocky smile): I said in a mock drawl, inconspicuously taking a mint from the mint basket and popping it in my mouth. I laughed out loud at: the waitress leaned over (displaying a disturbing amount of chest) and snatched the two menus away. I think the dialogue flowed well. I could easily tell who was talking without lots of little “he said” types of qualifiers cluttering things up. The plot is unusual, and I’m interested to know more. Suggestions: he sighed uncharacteristically, allowing his eyes to close and the sun to glance off his hair {I’d keep the imagery on his face/eyes…so the sun should bounce off his lids or nose in my opinion. It would hit his hair either way so its awkward and unrelated.} I rose my eyes to his and cocked my head. {I’d pick a different verb than rose – maybe lifted?}
B. J. Winters 2008-05-02 ch 1,	abuseI’m working on a story myself in first person, so when I saw yours I decided to give it a read. I like the overall plot set up and the editorial at the top of the chapter gives you some flexibility on characterization that you use well – flowing right into dialogue at the official start of the story. Nitpicky points: I’m shorter than most, next to an ordinary doorway I come a foot and a half short of the top {a typical doorway here is 8 ft – so that would make you 6’5”.} And = the word you want is not ‘conceded’ – it’s ‘conceited’ Moving on to the regular story – I think you would find action verbs more engaging. In a few cases you used passive voice and you didn’t have to: e.g. Kuro’s worry was reflected on his face and I gave him a weak smile {you can just eliminate the “was”} I loved this line: The only down part about conversing deeply in Math class, was the tendency for my teacher to think that I somehow had the answer. I also thought the phrasing clever around the jumping out of the window and lack of "important" things being damaged. That made me smile. A couple of awkward phases that I wanted to call out. 1) and a year later was officially given permission for me to become his child. {awkward, I know what you mean but it doesn't flow well} 2) he yawned loudly and broke a small groove through the crowded hallway {broke?} 3) He looked suspicious after I closed the door, engulfing us in a strange dusky darkness, I chuckled at his response {the look didn’t engulf them in darkness although it now reads that way. And I’d use a semi colon or period before the ‘I’} I’m intrigued, so I will read on.
Melissa Norvell 2008-04-27 ch 2,	abuseThis is a decent chapter. You do have quite a bit of dialouge and it have a little more description of characters actions or thoughts and reactions to each other. It's hard to visualize anything other then them just standing there and talking. As a reader I need a visual so I can picture them mor accurately. It helps your story presentation. I hope that you continue writing and I'd love for you to check out some of my works. Good luck on your story in the future.
Nnaemeka 2008-04-27 ch 2,	abuseI thought it was an Ok opening, but I want to see MORE! Just what is this all about. (Add hints, good lord man you need HINTS!)
Amaterasu-chan 2008-04-26 ch 2,	abuseumm, i think i liked it, but what was that first chapter? just like who the ppl were?? other tahn that, it was a little confusing, but all in all, i like the whole idea
Dragonfire411 2008-04-26 ch 1,	abuseThis is a great story. ^_^ I just posted something of my own. Check it out sometime. Continue writing and good luck on future writings.

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