FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Sadistic Miss 2008-04-29 ch 1,  | abuseThat was so real and inspiring =] |
| xxXEvil MunchkinXxx 2008-04-29 ch 1, | abuseInteresting to me since I had a friend that went to a ward...and my mother is deciding whether I need to be in one too. This feels prologue-ish to me are you going to add to this? If not then I agree with the other reviewers, it could use more "fleshing-out." Other than that I love the way you let the emotions come across and I didn't understand the nurse. I also think your thoughts have some effect on who you are or become. Keep writing, you actually inspired me to write a Biograph-ish story. YAY! |
| perpetual questions 2008-04-26 ch 1, | abuseDid you deliberately put a fragment of the first paragraph as the first line? An interesting start (though I think it would have been enhanced by telling the reader about the events directly preceding the ambulance ride), but it seems to trail off into vagueness and end with a lack of impact. As a memoir, it's all right, but as a story, more expansion and polish would help, in my opinion. The blank spaces where the character's name should have been are strange to read. I'd suggest either editing it to remove places where people say the name in dialogue, or giving her a name, any name. I don't agree with what that nurse said. I believe that thoughts and actions *make* us who we are -- if they don't, then what does? It seems to me like a strange distinction. -Adrian |
| theflyingcrabsareeatingmyha... 2008-04-26 ch 1, | abuseThis is an okay story, It's not bad... a little vague, a little short. The subject matter is interesting to, me, but that might have something to do with the fact that I'm researching a story with a schizophrenic as one of the protagonists. One of my favorite aspects of this story is the clear emotional tone and weight that comes across with your words. I can't say that I really got a hold of her personality in this, but you did an excellent job of communicating the emotions. I'm curious about the significance of the two girls having the same visions, though. Is it significant? If it's not, then why did you put it in? It feels as though this is just a collection of memories, rather than a coherent story. It's fine to do that, but leaving out as many details as you did makes the story seem overly brief and incomplete. I think you should flesh this out a bit. |