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| UnDesiredRomance 2008-05-23 ch 1,  | abusegreat story :]] |
| misery sister 2008-05-20 ch 1, | abuseI saw you had 20 chapters and no review, so I decided to check it out. Well, these are my comments after reading the first chapter: 1. I think the brand name dropping is slightly unnecessary. It doesn't seem to go with the mood of the story. 2. I don't really know what the name of the place is. In your summary it's "Knight's Ridge", and here you sometimes mention it as "Knights Ridge". Inconsistency. 3. You should space out your dialogue. When you have another person speaking, what s/he says should go on another line so we have an idea of who is talking. 4. You have some spelling mistakes that can be corrected with a beta reader. Things like, 'Not to far down the river', which should be 'too'. 5. I'll be honest. This chapter didn't exactly grab my attention - and sadly, that's the main point of the first chapter, I think. It should grab your reader's attention and MAKE them want to stick around to see how the story goes. While you have good style in writing, with just minor mistakes, I think you have no substance in this first chapter that makes me want to find out what happens to these characters. Well, good luck with the story. |