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| Detective CelestialGazer42 2008-05-11 ch 1,  | abuseOh, whoa! Slow down their. You have so many mistakes I only read the first half of the first chapter. The events goes a bit too fast, so it looks like an outline. Besides that, you have spelling and grammar mistakes words that are wrongly put there. Besides, some of this logic, is a bit off. 1 If the mother and father got married two years ago, how then can they have three kids? Also, remember one of them is nineteen. This makes no sense whatsoever. 2 How can a stomach yell? You mean growled? 3 Whait… wait… The guy had two shirts on, and both is seen? Wow! I don’t think it’s even possible 4 Wait, someone’s phone rang in class and he didn’t get it confiscated? That teacher might be a little too nice. 5 Wait, you never mentioned a locker or a duffle bag, you might want to do that. 6 I don’t like my father either, but I am not going to laugh at his death. No one would. 7 He’s a criminal, he’s in big trouble, you think he’ll be that willing to solve it? He doesn’t sound that thick. Besides, criminals don’t go solving cases. Reporting it perhaps, but promising to do so or doing so, I think not. |