Reviews for Brothers death and life: Opposite Sides, Same Coin

Reviews For: Brothers death and life: Opposite Sides, Same Coin

Celtic Dancer 2008-05-17 ch 2,	abuseDid you not receive my notes on this chapter? I spent all this time going over every little piece and every mistake. Maybe you haven't been getting my e-mails or personal messages. Fair enough if you no longer require my services as a beta reader.
Princess Dargon 2008-05-16 ch 3,	abuseYou know the drill, I don't think I need to say why I'm here or explain my reviewing methods. :) After dialague not ending in a comma you have to upper case the first word after the quotation marks. You don't do that with the tall, rather strong looking iron construct and in many other places. You still need to watch your periods after dialauge. Unless they are cut off you need a !, ?, ., or maybe even a !?. But commas are a no. If they are beeing cut off you need either three periods or a dash. ""Excellent, we move now and all three Scarecrows with me, Device keep the Shadow Generator working so King Malcolm does not know we are here,"" That is one really long run-on sentance Find some places for periods so readers can breath. I'm excited to see what happens and what the brothers do about this little problem. Keep writing! I look forward to the next chapter!
Princess Dargon 2008-05-07 ch 2,	abuseOk, I'm reviewing as I see things... Since you start out in present tense, you have to stay in present tense. You kinda either have to fix the first paragraph or rewrite the paragraphs following that are in past tense... "“Well I had to come out and find you father is looking for us,”" I'm pretty sure there needs to be a comma between you and father, and the sentence should end with a period. You need to work on your periods after dialogue and your pronoun agreement. For a second you tuned Reaizon into a girl as HIS body shrunk. (I don't think there are many bat that can take off from the ground, but that's not all that important.) For an entire paragraph you start every setence with 'he'. After the second one it gets a little repeditive for the reader... When Styx and Reaizon are talking you change adjectives and it doesn't make a whole lot of sense... Styxs says, "I have responsiilities pertaining to something more honorable." and Reaizon says responsible, which are two very different things. I don't know why there are two boxes on the left hand side of the page after Reaizon talks about getting arms chopped off, but the setting doesn't change and no time really has passed... so I don't really see a reason for them... "Styx did not care for his siblings... different talents, but they were his family and he cared about them." That's condradictory "metallic voice answered with inflexion or emotion." Should it be without inflexion or emotion? You don't need to tell us that Malcom is their father, I think most of us figured that out. " he said pointing to Styx and Reaizon will have the hardest time, and you,” He..." You need a comma and quotation marks before you start the quotation. "...understanding why there father was so upset..." It should be 'their father'. In the last paragraph you change tenses again. Sorry about the long, nagging comment, but the things I commented on often made it hard and labourous for me to read. However, I am really interested in the plot line and I really want to see what is going to happen! My last comment is: Are you sure this is Fantasy? It seems very Sci-Fi with the robots and elevators...
L3G3nD 2008-04-29 ch 1,	abuseHey though this is short, but your story gives the reader a sense for mystery. I don't think I've the need to point out what you'll need to correct since your previous two reviewers had already did the jobs. Anyway, happy writing.
Celtic Dancer 2008-04-28 ch 1,	abuseAll right, I'm going to take this piece by piece and fix everything that I see. As I've warned people before, my reviews may appear scathing but are in fact aimed at improving your writing. Usually, I would request that you send me the document, but since this is short, I’m just going to review it here. First, can we spell prologue correctly please? -The moon was empty, but the red moon, Valrux, was the only spot of light that could be seen in the shadows it created. I have to agree with the previous review in that this sentence, while decipherable, is awkwardly worded and is going to cause some confusion for your readers. While you don’t want to be condescending by making everything so easy to read that a two-year-old could understand it, you need to delve more into your explanations, especially in the opening lines. -In the castle no living king sat on the throne, but a corpse, half decayed, sat in his chair looking across the room that he could not see. This seems a little awkward as well; maybe change the last part to “sat in his chair, looking across the room through unseeing eyes.” -Behind him, unknowns to him, another man with the Red Eyes stood in the room, but to him everything was visible in a crimson glow. This should be “unbeknownst to him.” And I’m not sure why you have the Red Eyes. Is this a trait/illness/etc found in multiple people? This could also be reworded as “Unbeknownst to him, another man with the Red Eyes stood behind him, his vision cloaked in a crimson glow.” -He moved around in front of the dead king with practiced grace as he moved closer, and closer, then stopped as the king’s right eye fell from its socket. You’ve used “moved” twice in the same sentence. I’d really recommend that you avoid this in the future. Don’t worry about it so much as you’re writing something. After you’ve finished a chapter, go back over it and correct sentence structure, word choice, etc. Maybe… “as he drew ever closer, then stopped…” -A bony hand with rotting and decayed flesh dangling from it moved to the eye and placed it back into its proper place and felt it again unmoving on his lap. While grammatically correct, this sentence seems a bit off as well. First, “rotting” and “decaying” are the same thing, and the repetition is unnecessary. Although long, eloquent sentences can enrich a piece, you have to be careful not to draw something out just for the sake of it. If you can use five words to say the same thing you’ve said in twenty, go for five. Second, the owner of the hand is not made clear except at the very end of this rather long sentence, and even here it isn’t obviously apparent. “The king’s bony, rotting hand shot out and grabbed the eye. It returned the eye to its proper place and fell, unmoving, onto his lap.” -The man again strode closer, and closer; this time he stopped directly in front of the corpse. “closer, and closer” was said two sentences ago. I would take off the second “closer”. You could even break this into two sentences if you wanted to. -“You knew this was coming Seylth,” the man said in a silent whisper. The corpse king lips parted releasing nauseous gas in the face of the man, “Yes, I have, and you will find that what happens tonight will not be what you have hoped for Malcolm... for when you kill death it tends to kill back.” As much as I want to take commas out of this, I think you need one after “parted”. “King” needs to be made possessive, and dialogue needs to be separated from the description. I would also avoid phrases like “the face of the man.” It is much simpler to say “the man’s face”. And “it tends to kill back” .. I suggest removing that and replacing it with something else. “The corpse king’s lips parted, releasing nauseous gas into the man’s face. He spoke, his dry voice rasping over a tongue blackened with decay. ‘Yes, I have, and you will find that what happens tonight will not be what you have hoped for, Malcolm, for when you kill death, it tends to return the favor.’ ”
Princess Dargon 2008-04-28 ch 1,	abuseOk, please take my comments not as insults but as possibly helpful critisim,cause that's how I mean them. :) First of all, this sounds like a really awesome story and I am excited to see what happens in it. However, there area few things I would like to point out. 1) the line, "The moon was empty but the red moon, Valrux, ..." Is a little choppy and caused me at least to stumble and go back and re-read it a few times to get back in the flow.I understand(I think) that there are two moons but I think that sentance could maybe use some re-wording to help with rythm. 2) I've been told this so many times that I'm sick of hearing it, but I am going to tell you too. Your commas are good, but a lot of the sentances that you use them in could be broken into two and maybe even three sentences. That would give the readers some time and space to breath. Cause some of us are weird and hold our breath until we see a period. 3) I'm not sure what is stabbing me in the eyes about: "A bony hand with rotten and decaying flesh dangling from it moved to the eye..." But something is chewwing me up about it and it made me stumble a lot. It is an awesome line, but it threw me off. 4) Again! I say, awesome work and I am really really excited to read it more and I hope you weren't offended by my comments. Keep posting! Thanks!

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