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| Kenny's Friend 2008-05-10 ch 5,  | abuseThe long paragraphs at the beginning were a little difficult to wade through - I'd try splitting them up into smaller chunks of text. Their universe is unique. Ninjas and magic AND cars? Very non-traditional, and that's cool. Just a nitpick: the elemental discussion was a little... I don't know, cheesey? Overwrought. I don't think it really warranted a full explanation. At any rate, keep writing, and I'm sorry to see you haven't gotten more attention. |
| Kenny's Friend 2008-05-05 ch 4, | abuseUm, "fuzzbag"? So we finally meet an antagonist. I think the story will take on a new dynamic with the introduction of this new character, although the relationship between them is a little unclear as yet. |
| Kenny's Friend 2008-05-01 ch 3, | abuseSuspense! The bit with the puppet was nice. I think some of the dialogue is a little flat, and I didn't care for the use of "mister" in context with the story, but other than that you've got everything else going for you. Nice work. |
| Kenny's Friend 2008-04-28 ch 2, | abuseNot bad at all - especially for a first. Your grammar and rhetoric are great, and the action is well-paced. No spelling errors I spotted either, so well done in that regard as well. It seems to me that most 11- 12-year old kids don't forget their birthdays... On a side note, the prologue was somewhat of a turn-off. A lot of authors here on FP make the mistake of throwing the entire universe of their fantasy stories at the reader all at once. It always makes the story much smoother and - some would argue - much more interesting when the reader finds things out about the world little by little as the story progresses. Just a thought. Keep it up, and God bless. |