Reviews for i want to be a somebody

Tytherpol
2008-05-02
ch 1,

abusehey wow.

it's a little long, but i can't think of anything i would want to cut out of this.
i guess i don't like the opening two stanzas much.

"but i'm a footnote"--something about the directness of this metaphor really stood out in a not-so-good way from the rest of the piece (though i love love love the stanza...it's just the "i'm a ..." bit that i, personally, don't like. the rest of the stanza, from "footnote" on, is jaw-dropping. to me, at least.

i love your transition into bringing up the gods.

"until i am
blurred up into
a million broken" --i'm not sure if i like "up" here

"marilyn manroe" --like a cross btwn marilyn manson & m. monroe, or a typo? :)

"and abraham lincoln,
is underneath" --why'd you add this comma?

i think it's really cool that you repeated the "you can't see me.." a lot, but didn't bring in the "you can't see me, god," part until far into the poem.

"oh, please, please,
don't push me down,
because giants like
you are strong,
but i am weak
and i can't scream
as loud as you." --it flows really well, and it's definitely good..nice allusion to the song and such and all that entails..but it (in my opinion) isn't really as effective as the rest of the piece.

and i kind of don't like the ending (last couple of stanzas) for i guess the same reasons i don't like the opening.

haha i should definitely cut this short & go to bed. i've got SAT and prom tomorrow. :)
but i wanted to make sure i commented on it because it's really really good.

i really like..enjoyed reading it. and read it more than once.

"which is why i have to hide
inside footprints and
craters and all the leftovers
of beautiful minds."
^by far the coolest thing i've read in a while.

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