FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Sexy vampirechick 2008-05-18 ch 1,  | abuseYou had a little change in the tenses(only at the beginning of the story). I enjoyed it 'cause some of the elements weren't told (eg.the setting) which gave the reader an opportunity to visualize on their own where the setting might be. I'd say the airport. |
| kow'n'chickan 2008-05-17 ch 1, | abuseoh wow, it's so...angsty...I just don't knwo what to say. It's one of the best tragedy fics i ever read! |
| Esther Jade 2008-05-17 ch 1, | abuseI love the emotion in this piece. It's so vivid and comes across as really authentic. Also, so often pieces like this are in a woman's perspective and so it nice to see it reversed. The whole piece feels closer to poetry than prose and a lot of the images are really powerful. Some of the section after 4:25AM feel like they're bit too much, though. The first line of that section feels like too much, for example. The venom and acid images seem too close - their proximity undermines each other. In the third paragraph of that section, I would suggest taking out the second sentence. I think it'll make it tighter and keep the authenticity more. Minor point: Her eyes are red and puffy, she’s been crying and I didn’t know. - That comma is creating a comma splice. I'd suggest changing it to a semi-colon. |