Reviews for Opaque - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Opaque - Reviews: Page 1 of 3

LeChem 2008-07-21 ch 2,	abuseHeh, I couldn't stop after the first chapter. I really thought it good that you threw us into the war and the conflict so suddenly, because it got the story movie and got me interested immediately. Your characters are created well and they react together nicely, and each of them brings a different personality, as they should. One thing I was confused on, though, was the whole bit with Ariadne. I understand that she is Laramiel's daughter, but is she on the good side or the bad side? I couldn't quite tell, though I'm leaning to the bad side. A little clarification on that could be nice, though. Other than that, I'm really enjoying this. I look forward to reading more. Oh, and your descriptions were excellent, even when they may have been sparse, so well done on that account.
PhantomBialystock 2008-07-18 ch 2,	abuseI'm enjoying this story, even though it's not what I would usually read. I think your characterization of Haylee is wonderful. She seems strong and independent, and you can really relate with her. She's a very realistic character. I think your writing could use some tweaking in a few spots, though. For example: "Ethan nodded his wholehearted agreement." I found that sentence a bit awkward. Maybe something like "Ethan nodded wholeheartedly in agreement" would work better. There's a few spots where there is awkward-ish sentences, but besides that, your writing is pretty good. Keep it up!
Ramenluver 2008-07-17 ch 1,	abuse"...the Lord who had been yawning asked, leaning back in his chair as (her) surveyed her." "He" not "her." Interesting story idea, and your descriptions aren't to heavy; they keep the story flowing. I like Haylee's character already. :)She seems like the shy, bumbly type. Looking forward to reading more. -Ramen
alittlebitconfused 2008-07-17 ch 2,	abuseReview Game! (Rule 10 Review) Well, I loved the interaction between Haylee and her mother, it really had the whole teenage-I'm-independent-and-I-don't-need-to-listen-to-you thing, which makes Haylee feel like a very real character. I don't really have anything bad to say about it, I really liked it. I loved the ending to the chapter, it had sort of a... I dunno, ring to it. It was sort of a promise of what was to come. :) I thought it was wonderful. ~Me
groovi-gal-numba1 2008-07-16 ch 1,	abusei liked the begining. things are always more interesting when you don't start at the beginning. You're descriptions are great, and definetly fit the time period :) I like the main character. quite believeable, and likeable. great cliffhanger at the end - as irritating as it may be :P
concerto49 2008-07-16 ch 1,	abuseLooks like a tale rich of description. It's also full of fantasy elements. Sounds like another kingdom war adventure, but I guess it depends on what really happens. Perhaps a touch of a slow start, but you tried to make up by building the suspense. There was also a good atmosphere, and you kept to your set world, by conveying it with the descriptions. The people also speak the right tone.
Teffie 2008-07-16 ch 6,	abuseReview game #4! I like how you show Haylee's personality through her actions rather than stating it outright, like when she simply can't maintain eye contact. I would like to hear more of her thoughts, though. We know that she's shy, so now expand on it. I'd like to see more of the mental struggle that goes on. Being shy myself, I know that there's always an inner debate over speaking up or remaining silent. Ariadne seems appropriately devious, but I find myself liking her character anyway. I love the combination of snobby and evil. Till next time!
Teffie 2008-07-16 ch 5,	abuseI love how you end your chapters! Always cliff-hangers. Nicely done. Aella is shaping up to be an interesting character as well. I love how she kicks major butt in the battle. I was confused by her father, though. Is he some kind of elven noble? Some of your wording is a little awkward, like "A mountain breeze caused her to shiver." I think that could have been worded better.
Teffie 2008-07-16 ch 4,	abuseReview game #2! This chapter is so short! Seems like you could've added more detail to the first part. I want to know more about Drew! "“Yes, thank you, madam,” Cassandra replied, barely glancing over at the redhead." Ack. For some reason, I don't like it when characters are referred to by their hair colors. Especially when their hair color had not been mentioned in the story yet. Ahh! Another strong ending, even if the chapter was much too short. Loved it. Very suspenseful.
Teffie 2008-07-16 ch 3,	abuseReview game #1! This is interesting. I didn't realize that the voices at the beginning were voices in her head! I like how you subtly tie that together instead of announcing it at the beginning of the story. Nice job. I like Drew. I guess I'm a sucker for funny characters. I wish you had described his physical appearance more, though. "Now, the sun was just barely starting to peek over the horizon, and Haylee was standing there, contemplating Sunflower..." I'm not a big fan of the "was standing." Maybe you should just say "stood." “I’m not going to bite, Haylee,(") Missing a quotation mark there. "She almost didn’t notice the man edging toward their table, only at the last minute throwing up a shield around Lord Ethan to prevent the blade from piercing his flesh." Exciting closing sentence, but I'm not sure it's grammatically correct. I would make the last clause into its own sentence.
alittlebitconfused 2008-07-13 ch 1,	abuseReview Game! Well, the beginning was certainly intriguing. It plopped me down right in the middle of whatever was happening and made me want to keep reading. Speaking of which, I'll do that now ;) Your descriptions are lovely, I can really picture what's happening in my mind. Wonderful. I like the flow of the story, it keeps my attention, and I haven't noticed any typos as of yet, which is amazing! Well, I loved it. Definitely something I'll continue reading when I'm more awake. Great start! ~Me
Dot Cubed 2008-07-08 ch 1,	abuseAbsolutely loved this! I thought your description was excellent and really fit the time period. It definitely felt elegant and royal, which is obviously what you were going for. Also, I really really liked the opening line(s). I felt like they did an awesome job drawing the reader into the story. I especially liked the "there"--signifying that the job had been done.
Nicola Guills 2008-07-06 ch 1,	abuseInteresting chapter. I like Haylee. So far, to me at least, she seems shy and akward which makes me able to relate to her. ;) Your writing style is very nice, easy to read but not too easy. The pacing is nice and it all flows together nicely. I would caution that you (in the future) try to eliminate using the forms of be, like was, were, (my teacher always gets me on this :) It just adds more depth to the story. ~nicola
Teffie 2008-06-05 ch 2,	abuseThis is another interesting chapter. I like the idea of the Shreay. Your chapter is so short, though! Maybe you should add more description to the first part.
Mileana 2008-06-03 ch 11,	abuseWonderful second line. I could really feel Ariadne's frustation in the first bit, good job there. I used to like cliffhanging ends but when there's not another chapter to follow them immediately, I instantly despise them. It's a great story so far as I said in my last review. The character I most like so far is Haylee, possibly beacuse you wrote it that way. But she's interesting. I felt like I got to see less and less of her as the story went on though. The last bit of this chapter was so good! I hope you update soon. I'm wondering how Verine will play into the story. And I liked the haiku.

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