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| B. J. Winters 2008-06-11 ch 1,  | abuseI like the repetition of direction/theme at beginning and end plus the fact that you didn’t exactly repeat the phrasing. Having the single words for the ending was much like “one foot in front of the other”. I thought that added a nice touch of simplicity and subtle image. That said, I didn’t like the “Is to”. Having two words and then going back to longer phrase, caught my eyes and I felt “jerked”, sort of like an old fashioned typewriter when the author hit the carriage return too soon. Punctuation use: It’s not consistent. And I disliked the use of a period in the first stanza when a full sentence wasn’t there. My suggestion would be commas, or nothing. And the dash – in stanza two - isn’t repeated anywhere else, making it stick out. Not sure if I wanted to draw attention to one line that that would be it. Third stanza. Hum. Here I’m torn. I like the introduction of the global aspect, but I missed the personalization of the rest of the poem. Before it was “all about me”. Now “they” are introduced. You inject fear into the topic – perception of what they might say/do/feel. I lost focus in anxiety, rather than feeling motivation to move forward. If that was the intent, good; if the overall purpose of this poem though is to “push baby bird out of the nest” then I wouldn’t introduce the risk factor of what awaits. I’d spin this differently, perhaps with a hope button. This might be simply accomplished by reordering stanzas four and three. I’d still like to see bigger words and more imagery from you, more complexity. But your style of clean and simple remains true. And it works. So, perhaps I should just close with a simple compliment. Nice job. |
| centenarian 2008-05-11 ch 1, | abuseIt really describes what's happening to me right now and what I'm doing exactly. I'm looking to the future with my head held high. But no... the problem is that I do look back. I can't remember how many times I look back and think to the past, even if I know that there's nothing there for me anymore but memories and pain. I just can't bear to forget the past like this character in your poem. It's really beautiful in this melancholy sort of way. |
| Princess-anna57 2008-05-03 ch 1, | abuseVery well said. And good luck. Write on! ~Anna~ ^_^ |