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| toast-on-fire 2008-07-16 ch 1, anon. | abuseYou have a really great idea here, but I think that you could do a lot more with it than what you've done. It seems kind of like you've over-played the parts that need to be skimmed(her family), and under-played the most important parts of the story(the leaving of earth). I also think that you need a bit more a transition between the two different parts of the story; explain your main character and her role in the story in a bit more detail after the introduction, rather than in the end. Other than that, I really enjoyed it. Short and simple, but nothing ever had to be long to be good. =) Good job! |
| Jayd Scarlett 2008-07-15 ch 1,  | abuseHiya! It's Scorpiaoroldones? off the AH forum ... or 00jade from MorsMordre... Hmm, it's well writen - with a title that draws you in, but there were a few spelling or grammer mistakes... Like... "Since my left to pursue her ‘future’. Yeah right." My What?? Also, the word 'Queens' is spelt wrong... However, on the happier side, this has a luring thing about it. That last line makes you want to read more. And the fact that not even the reader knows your protagonist's name, gives her a very nice air of mystery... |