FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| SEMMU 2008-05-05 ch 1,  | abuseHello, Great 1st draft. I like your word choice and want to offer some advice on how to make this a really great poem. 1st- Use stanzas to emphasize your emotional peaks and valleys, and to transition smoothly. For example: I can see where you're going; I can see what you're getting at, because I speak your language too. Yet, I prefer my ignorant bliss, because, honey, that's just what I do. or something like that. 2nd- either ryhme or don't ryhme. Establish a pattern, if you must; however, I prefer nonryhming poems. Really, it's a personal choice.Not ryhming affords me freedom. 3rd- proofread for clarity and grammar mistakes. I'd help here, but I'm in a hurry. 4th- I love the following two lines: "I’m tripping on my stuttured words And slipping on my own though up jokes" but I think you mean throw up 5th- revise, then revise again. Write on! |
| aicilef 2008-05-05 ch 1, | abuseThis is weird but funny and creative. Mucho kudos. You actually convey a really good sense of the speaker's character. Modern and good |