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| effervescent-sentiments 2008-05-06 ch 1,  | abuseYour opening line is excellent. It's intriguing, dark, and definitely inspires that reading-frenzy. However, your attempt at continuing it in the second line is not working for me. Try something choppier. I didn't mean to do it. It just happened! She had it coming. It wasn't my fault. Et cetera. Those are just examples. You have quite a few run-on sentences in the beginning - again, for this kind of story, when they're supposed to sound guilt-ridden or trying to hurriedly explain, you'll want to use choppier sentences. Capitalize "Dad". "I said straightaway, that I won't go." Instead, say 'I said straightaway that I wouldn't go.' You're lapsing into present tense quite a bit. "Dad was suddenly sober; mom was suddenly dead." Another good line. "My father, now dead, died shortly after my mother did, ten years ago, from excessive drinking." The ", now dead," is unnecessary. "and in large part of me, my present." Doesn't make sense. Okay. Pretty good story. It doesn't feel like you developed any of it enough - the emotion, the death scene, and then the rehabilitation. That's up to you, though. Hope I helped. Julia |