FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Nicola Guills 2008-05-14 ch 1,  | abuseHi! Your story is good but i noticed a couple of things that when changed, could make it even better. First, what i noticed when i first read your story was that you used ' instead of ". I don't know if it's just me, but i find that distracting. Another thing, you should try to cut down on your use of "was" (my teacher keeps getting me on this) it helps your story to flow better. For example: ‘Tony, where are you Tony?’ Richard was calling his friend. He sounded excited. you could cut out some words to make it flow better, like. "Tony, where are you Tony?" Richard called excitedly. Tony, his best friend sat alone at a table nearby. or: ‘What is it? I am here. For god sake, let me eat,’ Tony, who was busy eating, said. could be something like: "What is it? I'm here. For god sakes, let me eat" Tony mumbled through a mouthful of juicy roasted chicken. Something like that. sorta. Anyways you should describe where your characters are more. Sometimes i wasn't sure where your characters were or what they were doing. Other than that, it was a very interesting read. Cool! I look forward to reading more. -nicola |
| Gunnz 2008-05-14 ch 3, | abuseis anybody even reading this? appreciated. thanks |