Personally, I feel that the concept could've been portrayed a little better using metaphors. When you say everything literally, it sounds immature.

Yes, I can see why you're satisfied with this, cause this is one of my favorites!
I love your rhyming, message, and your way of expressing yourself! You're an excellent writer!
This boy sure is lucky, and I hope you'll show it to him! Keep writing good songs!
You should try sending them to a publishing house. I'm not kidding.
The Reverse Edge Blade