This one makes me so sad! Again, you capture such a poignant moment so well. The imagery in this one is well done - lots of appealing to the senses! I like your word choice, too, especially when describing the old woman.

One suggestion on this one: it doesn't feel completely "complete." I am still wanting MORE at the end. Maybe a reflective stanza? Or a moment where the man is walking away - alone? Or further elaboration on his "exhale?"

Thanks, Lara!

Wow, that was really sad.

I again liked very much the warmth of the nurse. She has no face, no description, but she is easy to picture, her heart and kindness.

I felt like the tall men in suits was ... weird? Child services usually involves more social workers and they tend not to over dress. They usually try to make kids feel more at ease by their appearance and demeanor. I almost felt like the MIB were coming to take her away.

Still, overall I liked it very much. Am looking forward to more from this nurse.

Zonne
The Review Marathon
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Let's see, this was different.

I like the sweetness of the love, and the kindness of the nurse's observations. She didn't seem cold and bleached like the pillow.

I didn't like - and wonder if it was intentional - the way the one paragraph was not centered. At first I thought you wanted to separate the "medical" aspect, but then you didn't do that for him as well, so... either way - it broke the read.

Zonne
The Review Marathon
Link in my Profile

thats sad 2 :(

AW THAT IS SO SAD

konban wa

I've written quite a few about child abuse (and much darker than this, let me tell you), but I've never written from a nurse's point of view. Mine are always from the child him/herself. This was an interesting take -- poor girl.

Hm, I think you should use a different word than "sad" because it's a bit simplistic.

Ha det
-Shan-

konban wa

I haven't read much of this style -- poetry telling a story -- but it was sweet. I really love the story presented. You say it sounded morbid? I disagree. It was so peaceful! In fact, if you hadn't added the bit about the nurse with " silent tears streaming down her face," then it would have even been happy! As it was, no it wasn't happy; but it was the picture of tranquility if you ask me.

Ha det
-Shan-

Well, it seems that life is not forever. Beautiful work. Sad, true, and beautiful. There's nothing wrong with trying to write something a bit darker. I mean, there can't be light without darkness, right? Well, interesting idea of showing this story from the nurse's side. You make it more interesting than if it was just the elderly couple. It shows how death can affect other people too.

There's some familiar territory in this poem, but your great imagery and unique side of the story make for some great additions. Great job. *thumbs up*