FictionPress.com - let the words flow
| FictionPress.com - let the words flow |
|
| Home Just In Communities Forums Beta Readers Dictionary Search | Login Register Extras |
| AK the Twilight 2008-05-11 ch 2,  | abuseYou seem to be pushing the plot too much. The sentence structure is flat and the flashback feels short and generally unneeded. I really want to like this story, as its approach to dark and hellish love is unique, but you can't forget the mechanics in this. Describe the setting, give some imagery, and don't hesitate to show us what everything is like. I like this story, as it's very dark and horrific (in a good way), but don't forget the imagery and try not to hurry the plot so much. Overall, good job. |
| AK the Twilight 2008-05-08 ch 1, | abuseFrom what I can surmise about this story, this isn't a feel-good story. Well, some things need to be explored, even if they involve a teenager being stalked by a demon. It definitely pushes some boundaries that have yet to be pushed and it is pretty interesting to see how far you can go with this. You could've done a bit smoother of a job describing the characters. Add in some descriptions to really bring the characters to life. Other than that, you did a good job of showing the groundwork for this twisted tale you've molded. If this is the edited version, I can't wait to see the uncut version. |