Reviews for The Broken Window

PrettiestWretchedWhore
2008-05-10
ch 1,

abuseDo you mind if I entirely pick this piece of writing apart? Well you can't really answer so I'm going to anyway. It's all for the purpose of constructive critism, because it's good with a few parts that were slightly iffy(I don't even know if that's a word?) Okay so here goes!

"The only things visible were her glistened eyes" Shouldn't that be glistening?

"light cast on her depressing room." Is the actual room depressing? I would have more went with "the room which held so many depressing memories for her," or "the room the held a strangely depressing quality." But that might just be me.

"The occasional drip would cause her to flinch with pain" Okay I understand she was being physically abused, but WHAT IS DRIPPING!?!? Maybe I'm just an idiot?

"Once, twice, thrice." I would have said three times. Thrice sounds weird to me. Again could be personal preference, just wanted to enlighten you.

"The spiral of angry dust" Is the dust angry? Really?

"A hug, a kiss, a sniff of light fragrance from her hair, the warmth, the touch. Apologies flowed relentlessly, fervently hoping for repeated forgiveness." Who is hugging and apologizing? Where did they come from? I would have went with saying something like the man in the room hugged her, kissed her. It just isn't as effective saying that it happened, it's better if someone made it happen.

"He stands up, a too-long pants" Maybe "He stands up, his overly long pants"?

"she caused him awkwardness by acting like that last night" That just sounds awkward itself. Perhaps "Her actions last night were a great encumberance to him"?

Okay that's all the picking apart I have to do. Please don't think I was flaming or anything I was just trying to help because I think it's good. ^_^ That and I have way too much spare time. Anyway I will continue reading, and stop bothering you now. Longest review EVER. lol

~Keep Writing!~

x.kirai.x
2008-05-09
ch 1,

abuseAww. sounds sad. i think you should continue it, because i'm intrigued anyway.
is the guy abusing her the priest or something? just guessing. so yep, UPDATE! :D

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