Reviews for Oceanic Abyss - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Oceanic Abyss

DigitalScripter 2008-06-04 ch 4,	abuseMuch better here. I have to say this was acutally a fun read. I'd like to see things move a little faster though I think it's just me wanting to find out just whats going on.
DigitalScripter 2008-06-04 ch 3,	abuseReally good definently one of the better works I've read, just one concern here. At times you're over descriptive. You're not doing it too much. Though look at that opening sentence for example. Other then that you're doing really good.
Jenny Rocker 2008-05-21 ch 4,	abuseContinuing to love this. Hope you update soon. Never read or seen "The Whale Rider", so I guess I'll just have to wait and see where this is headed . . . One thing I would watch for is your use of "quite" or "rather", things like that. Most of the time, words like that are unneeded. You may want to re-read sections where your prone to enter those words and weed out some of them. One specific example from chapter 3 "Deep Past": "Mr. LeMire had been rather wary about him and his…rather odd behaviors". You say "rather" twice in once sentence. That's a lot of rathers! I've noticed similar instances with the word "quite". I really like how you handled the scene with Belle and Jasper at the restuarant in Chapter 2. I especially like how you illustrate Belle's mixed feelings about her brother. She obviously cares about him a lot, but even still, she's embarassed by him around school mates and jealous of the fact that he's PRETTIER than she is. These imperfect aspects of her personality make her more real and relatable. Only thing I have left is the ending sentence of chapter 3: "After all, he’d need as much consciousness as possible to deal with that idiot Trevor tomorrow." This is a strange sentence. He needs to get sleep because he'll need consciousness to deal with the jerky school mate? "Consciousness" is a very bizarre word-choice. It doesn't really make sense to me. I would suggest revisiting this. Looking forward to an update! ~Jenny R
Jenny Rocker 2008-05-18 ch 2,	abuseI'm already falling even more in love with this story. I LOVE your descriptions. And the imagination in this is so refreshing! I love the little details about Jasper's oddity--how they describe his odd habit of eating and drinking salt as a "sodium definciency". The litte details about how he only eats raw seafood. And he won't swim in chlorinated pools. Love it! Okay, and I'll venture a guess. I think Jasper is somehow related to the Orca whales. He's got the Orca tooth. The whales starting singing loudly and sorrowfully when Mrs. LeMire took him away from the beach in the first chapter. He had the pale, glittery skin when Mrs. LeMire found him, and he's got the jet black hair . . . black and white like Orcas . . .? That's what I'm thinking at least. Hm and he said he was waiting for "them" to take him home, but the whales haven't come back since he washed up on the beach . . . Anywho, I did actually find a spot where I think you could sneak in some of the descriptions of the island that are not necessarily crucial to chapter one. The following paragraph, which is right after he emerges from the water back into his boat: "Glistening jewels of seawater flecked his skin from his dive. He shook his head in a poor attempt to dry his soaked hair, and leaned back against the edge of the boat, gazing skyward with an expression of lively cheer. Huge clouds traced the sky, occasionally drifting across the sun to drastically dim the light that kissed the bay. The huge, green-masked mountains rose up into the air far inland, above the beaches and dunes and grassed plains. Kaine Island truly was remarkable." Okay, I would take out: The huge, green-masked mountains rose up into the air far inland, above the beaches and dunes and grassed plains." And instead insert some of the description of the island from the first chapter (the breezy weather, the landscape of the plains and dunes and mountains). Then end with "Kain Island was truly remarkable." While I absolutely love your descriptions in general, the one thing I don't like is your use of adjectives that end in "ish". You describe the lobster as "darkish" and Jasper's hair as "longish". Honestly, to me, it sounds like you picked an adjective, but then you shy away from it. Like the lobster isn't really DARK, it's just DARKISH. Either it's dark or it's not. And if it's not dark, then pick a different word that really DOES describe it. "Darkish" means it's kinda dark, but not really, which ulitmately tells me nothing. If you're going to pick an adjective, commit to it. Say proudly "It's a dark lobster"! But seriously. My god. I just love this.
Jenny Rocker 2008-05-18 ch 1,	abuseI am immeidately drawn in by the lovely ethereal ambience you've created as the setting for your story. This first chapter alone promises a fresh, unique story ahead. And you have such a commitment to this island you have created, that it becomes real. I glanced at some of the reviews you've received before, and one thing I noticed was a chorus of people saying to have "too much desciption at the beginning". I'm going to agree and disagree both at the same time. I don't think the problem is "too much descrption", because, seriously, what is that? Too much description in a story? How is that possible? No, I think the main problem, especially because you have so much setting discription at the very opening, is that you need a better BALANCE of description and action, at least to open your story. While your prose at the beginning is lovely, the passages do drag on for a while before anything actually happens in the story, and as a reader, it can be a struggle to keep reading if you haven't been given any actual STORY right in the beginning. The story actually seems to happen with: "It was a chilled winter night, when the seabreezes whipped and turned the sea to a raging swirl of inky darkness, when they first discovered him." I wouldn't say you necessarily have to cut out some of the descriptions prior to that paragraph, but maybe if you moved them to a later part of the story. Let the event of finding the boy happen first, then slow down to give your lush descriptions of the island. I would keep the opening 3 paragraphs, because I think it's a great opener. Up to the part of "the waters of Kaine Island hold unyielding mystery and magic." After you talk about the magical waters, then you go back to talk about the weather and the non-aquatic wildlife, and since these 2 paragraphs don't appear to be crucial to this first chapter, I'd move them to a part in the story where they apply. Once you state: "the waters of Kaine Island hold unyielding mystery and magic." I think you should at least give the description of the whales (since they apply to the first chapter), and then jump into Mrs. LeMire finding the boy. Oh, and when describing the aquatic life, it gets a little long winded (it almost starts to feel like "and then there are the dolphins . . . and then there are the orca whales . . . and then there are the sharks and seals, etc. etc.) I'll be reading further, and if I find a place where I think might be a better time to slow down and give the descriptions of the island, I'll leave another review. I just wanted to leave my thoughts now while it's fresh in my mind. Wow, though, other than the slow opening the rest of the chapter has a great pace and the perfect balance of description and story line. I love your descriptions of the boy, his eyes, his gliterry skin. I think the passage that stands out the most is the description of the room that Mrs. LeMire brings the boy to, the way the moonlight filters into the room: "The skylight that stretched across the slanted ceiling allowed moonlight to pour through, bathing the room in a flush of lucid silver." Absolutely lovely. All in all, this first chapter was breathtaking; eloquent and unique. I will absolutely be reading more.
Eilinora 2008-05-17 ch 2,	abuseActually, at the VERY bottom of the ocean, there is no light, and therefore no kelp. There's also no coral. You're thinking of the Epipelagic zone, which only occupies 200 meters out of the 11,0 meters of the ocean's depth. Don't say "very bottom" unless you mean it.
Kino Lala 2008-05-15 ch 3,	abuseWow! This is amazing :) You must continue this story. My suggestion is that you make Jasper have a flashback of his REAL mother. ;)
DigitalScripter 2008-05-12 ch 2,	abuseI really like this story and I think Jasper is a great character. Only complaint here is that somethings are over descriptive. Lots of sentences could be cut down, and though being descriptive is good the read wants to imagine somethings as well. Good work.
DigitalScripter 2008-05-10 ch 1,	abuseIf you play off the mystery of "whats really at the bottem of the sea, what really lives down there" with some tense moments this story could be amazing. I think that opening bit could have had some mystery, you know in 1978 a plane went over the island never to be seen. Just an example. If you can hook the readers with a watery mystery this story will succeed.
MixTape4TheHeart 2008-05-10 ch 1,	abuseBeing descriptive is okay, but the first eight paragraphs are almost unbearably descriptive, and when you read it, or at least when I read it, I just skipped them. Besides that, very interesting story by far. I'm intrigued. And I already have some ideas as to what Japser is. I'm hoping it's not the most obvious...but...I wouldn't mind even then. Ha, I'm trying to not give anything away. So, please, continue!

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