Reviews for Toasted - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Toasted

Twilight Starr 2008-07-21 ch 4,	abuse"it's own player" should be "its own player". Cal is definitely fun loving. It's funny to picture Jerry and Cal dancing. Nice work. Keep writing! ~Twilight Starr~
Caecilia 2008-07-20 ch 1,	abuseThe prologue is hilarious. Very interesting acronym. The only thing I would change is this: when it says 'When it contacted the ship', I think it sounds kinda awkward. I think it might sound better if you said 'When it came into contact with the ship,'. Other than that, Danger's story has potential. Can't wait to read more.
criti-sized 2008-07-16 ch 4,	abuseSo, here I am for the last chapter. I realized thatI had reviewed it, but had been in a rush because of the whole staff meeting and blah, blah. Anyways. [It shone with the faintest pulse of pink in it's center,...] 'its' [He just hoped Cal and Jeremy wouldn't be too roughed up after what he was going to try pulling.] Lol, I could imagine that they would be anyways. [Quickly adjusting himself in his seat, he reached forwards and flicked the anti-gravity switch on to lessen the blow Cal and Jeremy were going to face,...] 'forward'. [Fucking Martians.] Lol, how ironic, right? [“What the fuck?” Cal squeaked as she floated into the side of the ship walls upside down.] This made me laugh, along with the next sentence. [That boy was a fucking hibernating machine.] Lol, if he slept through that entire thing, then he's probably more than a hibernating machine. [Anti-bubble was to a Bubble Blaster induced migraine as Advil to a minor headache.] Haha, Advil doesn't work for my headaches, let alone any pill. [They made millions off of the little pill.] I know that feeling, it's like chasers for people that drink alcohol all the time. [... You can't just fucking blow up shit and then get away with it! Trust me, I have experience with these things.”] Yeah, he literally knows about that. [...In a chaotic sort of way.] Lol, nice catch. [“What the fuck are you doing?! You can't shoot the poor kid!”] I felt the same way when I read the sentence before, lol. [“What the hell would I need real ones for? They're way too expensive, and I'd get put in jail if I accidentally killed someone. Not to mention that waving around a loaded gun is probably the most sure way of getting your ass kicked in the war.”] Her logic is undeniable, lol. We need rubber bullets in real life, like pellets, lol. [“I can spit real far!” he shouted enthusiastically.] LMAO, now that's a talent. I can't even spit. Well, I hope their trip to Nelly Port goes good. With Cal and Jeremy, there's never any telling what will happen. But great chapter still. C.S.
omgitskandice 2008-07-14 ch 4,	abuse"réveiller" you didn't conjugate. well, i think my biggest complaint is that it seems really wordy. and things that would be cheeky and witty kind of lose their je ne sais quoi (since we're speaking french) oh, and it kind of feels like you don't have a goal that you're going toward.
omgitskandice 2008-07-14 ch 2,	abuse"the past government that gave him Luna to leave the planet with was fucking with his head." this is kind of wordy and confusing. I noticed you did this a couple times, "Elle est beau." Beau is masculine. With a girl you would use "belle" unless you're trying to say that she is handsome well, it sure is interesting. I've actually never read a story like this before.i like the PIE idea. prolly cuz i like pie.
omgitskandice 2008-07-14 ch 1,	abusesnickers is this supposed to satirical? Because that's what it feels like. sry, i'm being mean. well, your story is very -cough- interesting. okay, sorry, i'm doing it again. but really it does sound interesting. and now, i will read on!
KiraLove 2008-07-14 ch 4,	abuseA glowing toaster? Common, can't it be something a little more... WOW making? Where did that idea come from?
criti-sized 2008-07-13 ch 2,	abuseSo, I'm back for the next chapter. [For reasons that eluded Danger's one-track mind, his ship's HAP (helpful artificial persona) had been programmed with the French language.] If I were in hs position, I would've possibly felt the same, especially since it's looks like at the moment it's his only source of entertainment. [“What are you pointing that damn gun at me, kid?”] Did you mean, 'what' or why'? [“You don't think that statement is a bit hypocritical of you?”[ This made me laugh. [Danger tugged on her silky black tail and she grabbed a handful of his vibrant pink hair above his pilot goggles and pulled down viciously.] Isn't it a bit ironic that he's a guy with pink hai, and she'd a girl with silky black hair. On a normal basis, it would be the reverse, which makes this even more interesting. [Hubs universe wide began to sell the original liquid, and the planet Frank Bubble bought continues to generate more Bubble Blaster. No one knows why or how.] You changed tenses in these two sentences. [“HEY! Get your scrawny ass back here! I'm gonna beat you 'till the world stops making sense!”] LOL, well, she doesn't have ong to go, I think the world is partially there already. [In his experience, annoying little boys were the most harm of all.] Just make that children period. [Taking in the boys startled and slightly fearful appearance, he lowered his gun and shoved it back into place.] boy's. Well, at least he's kind enough to take he boy in. He took in Cal, who is probably far worse, lol. [“My daddy says it's the stupidest thing since sliced space bread and he shipped me off with my step-mother. Then that old mean hag sold me for some rum to that fierce geezer from the hub that was trying to sell me to another man. I sure showed him!”] Lol, sliced space bread. I wonder what the difference is? And it's good to see that he took it all in good stride. Well, it was a nice long chapter, and I honestly enjoyed reading it. Since I'm at work, and they're calling for another weekly staff meeting, I'll be back to review later. C.S.
2008-07-13 ch 1, anon.	abuseI happened to see this story, and the summary of him blowing up a toilet caught my attention instantly. [The once was a PIE (perplexing intellectual extras) named Danger.] 'there'. Danger is also a interesting name, something that is new, and is probably the opposite of what his personality is like. [Danger had no friends to speak of because he was kicked off of his home planet for blowing up a toilet.] Just reading this sentence by itself it makes me laugh at the thought of it. Then I read the second sentence, and figured that maybe he was also kicked out of his planet because of the effect of the toilet. [Danger was exiled from his planet due to “heinous actions unspeakable to the PIE population”.] Heinous? Wow, how bad could blowing up a toliet be? What would've happened had he flooded it? LOL. [His record of ever existing was destroyed, his family brainwashed, his friends bribed.] Damn, a real example as made out of him. Well, for an introduction, this was very interesting, and held what some first chapters, or prologues don't. Also, was his ship names Lune, or Luna? I think that you have both of them. C.S.
Twilight Starr 2008-07-04 ch 3,	abuseGreat addition. It made me smile. A couple things though: "Morphio's" should be "Morphios" and "you're daddy" should be "your daddy". Nice work. Keep writing! ~Twilight Starr~
Twilight Starr 2008-07-04 ch 2,	abuseAh, good job except French should be capitalized and "The names Cal" should be "The name's Cal". Nice work. Their interaction with each other made me laugh. ~Twilight Starr~
Twilight Starr 2008-07-04 ch 1,	abuseIt's pretty funny that he blew up a toliet. The summary was hilarious. Nice work. I shall keep reading. ~Twilight Starr~
Tawny Owl 2008-06-22 ch 2,	abuseHAP (helpful artificial persona) – like the name for this. I can imagine it not being quite so helpful though. The fact that it is French as well is a nice touch. ‘She shoved past him and climbed up the ladder behind him with such graceful agility, it seemed as though she hadn't touched the bars at all.’ - This was a good observation, enjoyed it. I liked the way you wrote the fight scene. Straight and to the point. It made it seem quite amusing as well for some reason. I was a bit lost at the end, it did all seem a bit strange. Like how Cal got picked up, and why she considered herself Danger’s superior. It did make me laugh though, and it would be interesting to see where the plot goes.
Wren Silver 2008-06-17 ch 3,	abuseHmm... I just reviewed Chapter 1... Then read the rest and reviewed again... Not the best planning... But anyways... This was thoroughly entertaining. Morphios are cool. I love cats. :)
Wren Silver 2008-06-17 ch 1,	abuse"Danger blew up a toilet." As soon as I saw that, I knew I had to read this. There are like, a thousand worthy quotes in that one little section. We're thinking the same toaster, right? Like, for frying bread?

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