Reviews for A Message from Delilah

Reviews For: A Message from Delilah

inkspatters 2008-07-04 ch 1,	abuseThis first chapter is good, even though the flow is disrupted by a little too much description. Certain words aren't necessary and others are incorrect(not many, though you tend to be good with spelling and grammar). Most of the unnecessary words in this story are adverbs, go over this and take a look at all the words ending in -ly (most adverbs do) and then decide whether they are really contributing to the meaning, or just adding in needless description. Also, in terms of characters, I do like Meredith, but it seems like she can be a bit of a brat. I think that asking for a car is quite a lot to ask for seeing as most people are only just getting their license about then. I understand that she'd resent Julie because she made her save up for her car and because she is her stepmother and she distrusts her motives in marrying her father, but her reaction to Julie was a little bit too much. I don't think that any rational person would have behaved like that when asked a simple question. It's much easier to just answer rather than lose your head. Anyway, I just thought that Meredith's reaction there was out of character when we look at her in the rest of the story. She seems cool and logical and polite. So, yeah, maybe have her livid below the surface but not actually being rude to her stepmother. I did like how you described Julie as being a nice witch. I totally understood that. Yep, in general I liked it. It was good but it could be great, so polish it up! Oh and update!
snowdance-lyghtning 2008-06-14 ch 1,	abuseREVIEW MARATHON!! Your grammer is good, and so is your dialogue. But I have to agree: you use too many adverbs, which makes it seem really wordy and makes the flow a little chunkier than it should be. Try to use more vivid verbs, instead of adverbs. I'm not saying you should swear off adverbs, just pace yourself.
soojinyeh 2008-06-06 ch 1,	abuseI feel for Meredith...no one remembers my birthday either, including myself. But a car IS a big gift, girl...it's a LOT of money, Jesus. I didn't get ANYTHING for my 16th. ** I'm 19 and don't have a PERMIT. I didn't even celebrate my 16th, or any birthday. Suck it up, Meredith. What the hell?! Julia's your guardian, you're under 18, of COURSE she's gonna ask where you're going and you need her permission! She didn't become disrespectful or anything! I swear, if that was me I would've beat the hell out of Meredith. maybe she doesn't care about you, but she didn't disrespect you, so you shouldn't disrespect her! God, and YOU don't care about HER, so why are you asking her to care about you?! selfish little... Haha, i LOVE Mrs. Pilkington. She's HILARIOUS. "At least I don’t go to church looking like I lost a fight with a tackle box" LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! Well it's only the first chapter so I might be mis-judging the characters, but I'm excited to see what comes next!
Laeden 2008-06-02 ch 1,	abuseReally, my only complaint is that you get a little too wordy. Your grammer is good, and your dialogue is good, but you use a few too many adverbs, which makes it seem wordy. Try and be more specific with your verbs, instead of adding adverbs to try and spice it up. A common misconception is that you have to use more words to have more power, when in fact it's the opposite. Instead of, "'Hello?' Sammie inquired, groggily." Try something like, "'Hello?' Sammie croked." You can sacrifice "inquired" because the reader already knows what kind of response it is. And from "croked" they'll understand groggyness. Of course with each person there is a slightly different picture, but that is what brings some of the excitment.
Harmonic Discord 2008-05-28 ch 1,	abuseReview game! I've been meaning to read this for awhile, and I'm finally getting the chance. Exciting. I feel like the writing in the beginning is a little choppy; try not to have lots of really short sentences. It breaks up the flow. Be careful of using a "mirror scene" as a means of describing the main character's appearance - it's generally considered a no-no (kind of cliche). Try to incorporate the detail about her appearance into the storyline if you can. Liked the remark about the bed frame giving her away - funny! I thought the backstory about her birthday was a little extensive - I'd suggest cutting a bit out, if possible. Overall, a solid first chapter. I have a pretty good sense of the characters so far - nice job there. I thought it was a little slow for a beginning chapter - I expected more conflict - but that's my personal preference. Minor points: Instead, she chose a pair of black flip flops that matched her chosen attire for the day. -- I think it's "flip-flops" When the light turned green, Sammie stepped up in the gas. -- "stepped on" is what you meant, I think. I really do need a place to get away to during the summer, Meredith thought. And that pays decently well, too. -- I think you're missing a "one" after "And"
CosmicalMadison 2008-05-24 ch 1,	abuseGood job on this. I especially liked your characterization. Meredith seems very realistic for a teenager with her worries like getting a car and arguing with her stepmother. It sounds just like my stepdad and I! You also did a great job on Julia herself. On the one hand, we can feel that Meredith loathes her and that they don't get along at all, but we can also see that she is really a good person and is trying to help. ~CM
kimono3kitty 2008-05-24 ch 1,	abuseI’m with Meredith; summer vacation rocks. This has potential. I love how your characters interact. It's very realistic. Keep up the good work 1 ~K3k
Fallin.angele 2008-05-23 ch 1,	abuseI really liked this story. All the characters seem very real, like they could be people that i know (in my story a lot of the characters are projections of what I want people to be, so it was nice to come across characters who I could relate with)., although I would've liked to know more about Kyle and Sammie. This story just seemed so believable it was a little heart-warming cause i could relate to some of the things that happened to Meredith. I also loved some of the words that you used, it's nice to know that the english language is no longer limited to the simple stuff :D. One thing I would've changed is that I would've made the chapter a little shorter, or split it up somehow, cause it was a lot of information to take in. Overall I thought it was very good.
Tetelestai 2008-05-23 ch 1,	abuseThis is a good start! You have really good description and setting in your story already, which will make it easier as the story progresses. Most of the characters are fleshed out nicely and seem believable enough to live in real life. I would have to say for a first chapter, it's a little long. A lot of potential readers might just skim through parts or not finish it altogether because it's too lengthy. But that's just me. :) Keep writing!
Dot Cubed 2008-05-19 ch 1,	abuseSo I liked this! I absolutely love your description; it's very eloquent and really jumps off the page. I could honestly tell that it was hot outside. Your characters also seem very well-rounded and believable. Sammie and Kyle seem like friends I'd know in my real life, not just cartoon cut out characters. I'm also really intrigued about the title, haha. There were just a few grammar things I noticed. For example, "Of, course," does not need the comma.
Mahone-chic-89 2008-05-18 ch 1,	abusei like this! it has great potential! i hope you keep it up...good storyline!! ~L
C.F. Anne 2008-05-15 ch 1,	abuseAnother great...long...start! (lol) I loved reading this. Mrs. Pilkington is quite a character (along with Kyle. lol) I just love the color you add to this story with all your characters...now, if only you can finish it. ;) j/k. I won't pester you TOO much. Hey, muse comes when it does. lol. Anyway, I loved it, and I can't wait to read more!

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