 lucid-psyche 2008-05-17 . chapter 1A decent piece; however, there are a few grammatical issues. Watch out for vague pronouns (what does "it" refer to?) and places where you've used a comma instead of a semicolon.
You've also got a weird paragraph break between "first" and "slammed". Just FYI.
Fourth paragraph from the bottom: It's a deep sigh, not a deep sight. Minor typo; I do things like that all the time.
Final question/comment: So, if he had an option, why did he choose the firing squad? |
 Hed in the Cloudz 2008-05-16 . chapter 1This is the first of your stories that I've read, but already I suspect that you're an expert at suspense. It's brilliant how you dragged out ten seconds of fear so descriptively, and how you humanized someone that society would rather not. Really, a great way for me to start my visit to fictionpress!
But this is a review, so brace yourself-- constructive criticism! So...First off, though this sounds silly, I think that the fact that you use the word "inevitable" in both the summary and the first sentence is rather redundant. If half of your advertisement is covered in the first couple seconds, that's a bit anticlimactic!
But also, and more importantly, I think that the time period is rather confusing. The crime sounds as if it were committed in contemporary America, while the punishment is very antiquated. The naming of the crime kinda takes away from the suspense, too. If you took it out, then your story could be perfectly timeless, I think.
But thanks for letting me read this! I look forward to looking at your other writing! |