Reviews for I stand on the shoulders of giants

Reviews For: I stand on the shoulders of giants

Midnight In Eden
2008-05-27
ch 1,

abuseCouple thoughts:

1. I don't know if you need the 'all' on line four. It just seems like an empty syllable.
2. I'm thinking split the fifth line after "loyalty"? Just to keep the same structure as the previous lines
3. I don't think the "to me" is necessary on the sixth line, we know that it's occurring between the "you" and the "I".
4. Lines eight and nine feel awkward at the beginning due to the "ands" I think. Though (and this is only a suggestion):

I hope to take your trust,
build something to be remembered
And never forget any of you

Somewhat more succinct but I'm not sure if that captures the same sentiment you were trying to express.

5. I actually wouldn't mind the title as the last line to make it a final couplet instead of a final line?

All that said, I like the simple idea. It could be a little more vivid but it works well to convey your message at the moment anyways.

Midnight

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