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| D Wilbobo 2008-06-04 ch 1, anon. | abuseGood story. Nice and short lol but I was so confused at the end! eek! |
| Nemonus 2008-05-23 ch 1,  | abuseInteresting concept! Kudos for writing about something so modern. However, your prose itself needs work and is sometimes confusing. " sat in my room looking at a photo album skimming the photos on each page glancing at some of the pictures longer than others." needs commas and perhaps to be cut into smaller sentences. The descriptions in " saw the silver lining surrounded by specks of light, there was a crisp voice washing over me making the trees and lake sing in perfect harmony" could be more clear. Asides like "(For you Charmed fans, I know…" distract the reader from the storyline and admit a weakness of the author's, that he knows this type of magic has been used before--you don't have to do that. Let the readers trust you. The last two sections, the dialogue and the spell, were much clearer and I can't find any big issues with them. |
| Kai 2008-05-21 ch 1, anon. | abuseIt's an interesting combination of fantasy and reality. Modern fantasy is always fun to write~. I like the approach, and it left me hanging and wanting to read more to find out what happened. :D Keep it up~ |
| DigitalScripter 2008-05-21 ch 1, | abuseInteresting concept. But a warning, this being a touchy subject BE careful. Make sure the writing is good before posting a chapter and nothing super offensive is added. Other then that I'll be sure to check out chapter two. |