I hope I'm not too late with this. I'll try and crack it stanza by stanza to give you as thorough a critique as I can.

First stanza: since you use three separate quotes (correct?) it feels a little stilted. I get the message but I don't enjoy the delivery as much as I could. Smooth it out a little.

Second stanza: watch your punctuation. No need for the second comma on the second line. Semi colon is also misused. You've also got two parenthetic elements in a row "multicolored" nad "red, white and blue". Again, mesh them a little more and let it flow smoother. Perhaps cut it up into two sentences?

Third stanza: misused semi colon on second line again, would probably work better as a colon. Thought: line three and the first half of line four would work better in my mind as one line. Also, I don't think the "but they" is necessary - Tired eyes burn bright seems almost more poignant?

Fourth stanza: the stars reference is a little trite there. Ditto for the "oh so bright" - bordering on cutesy. I know you need the reference but make it a little stronger and fresher perhaps? It feels tired at the moment. I dislike the three adjectives too - again I understand 'why' they're there but I don't enjoy it. To be dead honest, this is my least favorite stanza.

Fifth stanza: the wings beat steady sentence is bordering cliche. Be wary of the cliche when approaching this subject matter because it's easy to get patriotic and then fall back on vague pronouncements. I enjoyed the previous stanzas more because they were related to the people. Bring back that personal aspect.

Sixth stanza: colon on the second line instead of semi. Again I feel this is more vague again. It doesn't really resonate with me. Be a little more specific and be wary of too many commas!

Seventh stanza: I liked this though that semi colon - kill it.

Overall, it's not bad. I do think you might need to do another edit or two but I like the sentiments and the beginning stanzas. Work on keeping it a little more cohesive and I think you'll be done.


Good luck,
Midnight

Oh I like it very much! One thing I noticed though: second to last stanze "blood,sweat and tears" is a cliched line whereas none of the rest really is. You might want to mix up the order even if you said something like "Tears, sweat and blood" just so it doesn't fall under the cliche

don't have to. Just something my mom pointed out in my own cause I had that line too. Anyways I do like yours, I like the incorporation of the famous quotes. That was a good idea.

MK