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| Scared Loveless 2008-06-16 ch 1,  | abuseIt might sound just a little stalker-ish when taken alone, but when place with the rest of the stanzas it fits, and works. |
| Mystic and Masochistic 2008-06-15 ch 1, | abuseVery nice. I like the fifth and sixth stanzas. yeah, the first stanza is a bit stalker-ish, but the rest of it makes less so. ~Isabel |
| B. J. Winters 2008-06-04 ch 1, | abuseFreebee review for you courtesy of Frac. I decided to review your "latest". I liked the intensity of feeling. It was believable as "one voice". But you might consider fewer questions and more assertion. What I mean is the use of a ? inconsistently makes me doubt the stalker sense it sounded like you wished to protray. I liked the pattern of each 4 lines starting with "do". But the meter/flow was off for me in a couple of places. Notably. the last line of second stanza. I didn't expect the reuse of "her". Again, it's the last line punctuation that catches my eye. I liked the focus - you start small, than talk about one girl and then many. That's effective. And then you return to the internal view and a nice ending. To show more demarcation, back to the myopic, you might consider not having the last two stanza's start with "do" -they are a bit different and could be more dramatically offset. My final suggestion would be to challenge yourself with other words for rhyming. how/way/all...you reuse the same vocabulary. While what you have is simple/clean to really grab the reader you might find variety is key. Overall though - I liked it and thought it effectively told a story. Keep writing. |
| vegesaurs 2008-05-27 ch 1, | abusewow, so unbelievable true. i don't think it sounded stalkerish, i think it's just realistic. but don't get too discouraged, he could always be thinking the same thing about you. i felt this way about a guy and he just asked me out! |
| XxXKristie marieXxX 2008-05-27 ch 1, | abuseEh kinda but it fits well. Have you told her for one? if not... TELL HER. Lovethe poem nice work.+ xKristie Mariex |
| xxInsanityxx 2008-05-25 ch 1, | abusethe first stanza doesnt sound stalker-ish i loovve the poem, hes blind... lol... awesome!! |
| simpleplan13 2008-05-24 ch 1, | abuseYea, a bit stalkerish, but 'tis ok. You go see the way x 2, see all x 2, then the last two are different.. that seemed odd to me formattingwise. I like all the questions you ask because they are very good. I also love the last line because it's your answer. Great piece. PS If youre bored this weekend check out the Review Game's Review Marathon (link in my profile) |
| Isca 2008-05-24 ch 1, | abuseHahaha :) The first stanza DOES sound a bit stalker-ish, but I think it works well with the rest of the poem. It's a sad poem, really. |
| kloun doll 2008-05-24 ch 1, | abuseoh, it's horrible when you like someone who doesn't notice you at all, it's a great poem, a lot of people could relate.. |