FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Tawny Owl 2008-05-31 ch 1,  | abuseThis is a really original idea, and I like it a lot. The image of the moon as it truly was was very vivid. If you write more I'd like to learn more about your characters. You really caught my attention with this though, and I enjoyed reading it. |
| ElizabethDarker 2008-05-28 ch 1, | abuseThis seems like a really good story so far. It has great potention. I'm going to put it on my watched list actually. It's only 700 words and you've already caught my attention - fantastic. The only suggestions I could really give is to watch your comma usage. You have them in places that you don't particularly need them. Why not have a trusted friend ready over your stories before you submit them? I know how hard it is to edit your own work. Also, rather than using the word "reddish" why not use something like "she was the color of rust or copper"? Something a little more dramatic. You do through the rest of the story when you get more into description, but right there seemed to stick out because it didn't really seem to sit with the rest of your writing style. But as I said, this is a GREAT start and I'm truly looking forward to reading more! |