Very, very well done. This is powerful, heartbreaking...
-Dreamer

True to my word, im reveiwing. The storys powerful, my advice is to capitalise the title to make it seem alitle more professional. You could also say what the MC (main character) is or where she got her bruises and stuff. By the way, what part of canada are you from? In canada you speak english and french right? what do you speak?

This was... beautifully heart wrenching. You're very talented.

This is so sad!
I'm glad it's just a snippet of the story. I would love to know a background (like how the girl got that way, where they are, who they are), but I think it's more powerful the way it is.
Your descriptions are powerful, her hope in the end is heart-wrenching.
I'm so glad I ran across this.
*for the Beer Run, at the Roadhouse-link in my profile*
~Caecilia

You described a poor, tormented soul well. Fitting title. Nice work.

~Twilight Starr~

Okay, first I have to say that I love this oneshot, so don’t get the wrong idea. I really do like this, so I’m just trying to help.

This is going to sound so picky, but I kept picturing a knight and an lady because you wrote “lady’s colors”, so when she says “Yeah. I know.” is seems out of place as well as the use of buttons. I would have pictured her unlacing her shirt, instead. This is, of course, all going on the assumption that they are a knight and lady…and me being a OCD.

Another thing is, “She…undid her ribbon…letting his lady’s colors flutter…” It’s her ribbon, yet that makes it sound like it’s another’s lady’s ribbon, instead of hers.

One point that really bothers me is that it starts out with them kissing…yet her lips are “bitten, cracked and bleeding…” I don’t know how he could have missed that. I figured a full face mask, but then, how did they kiss? And a half face mask would have definitely shown her lips, and possibly some of her pockmarks. And wouldn’t he have felt something when they kissed? Like the texture of her lips…or the taste of blood?

It seems like, once she took of her mask, a sort of glamour was broken, showing her true "face". Was that what you were going for?

I understand that it’s metaphorical/figurative-ish so I can’t really apply reality laws to it, but it stills seems…odd.

VERY good piece.
I could visualize everything.
Also, very true.
and can relate.. in sense. :)
Keep it up.

Well... I am torn between wanting to say it was great, and wanting to ask where this came from...

It's very... dark.

I like it, although your paragraph spacing was a little wierd, how it started as every other line, then melted into entire structures.

How horrific, how sad. But I like the character I think. If you ever made her part of a full story I think I'd read it. This was good, I really enjoyed it? Which seems grotesque, but I think at times we all lean towards the darker romantics of what makes humans so horrible and disturbing. Great job, and thanks again for the review.

It's good. A bit surreal. Like modern art (which I hate in paintings, but in love in prose) But my opinion is pretty much meaningless anyway, I mean you write for you not for me... unless you want my money that is.
Anyway... I liked it. Don't mind me I'm basically a crazy person.

its easy to like someone when you don't know what problems they really have. how sad and ironic, wonderful way to show it though. Good job
~Lorki

beautiful.

Interesting. I know it’s a oneshot but I wish it was a little more detailed. The female character was fascinating. The whole story reminds me of the general ‘judgmental men’ stereotype - the way women (or just anyone really) are attractive until you get to know the dirty details or see how a person really is. If that made sense… Overall good.