Your punctuation and tense kind of broke down here in spots. You have a LOT of characters, too. It's a little hard to keep track of them all, but it's a good story.

Wait a minute. Missy is gong weak in her knees over Rayne already?? Poor Silver!

You might want to break up some of these large chunks of prose/dialog. It'd be easier to read.

Wow. Missy and Silver sure got close fast.

so, i really liked this, although the beginning is a bit confusing. i guees you just introduce too many characters at one, and dont give people enough time to get used to them...

anyway, i believe that will be fixed on later chapters.

keep up the good work!

oh, and if u have the time, check my page. :D
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