Dramatic chapter. Chaise's emotions are very strong. Nice work. Hpe you're having a good one.

Great cliffhanger. Chaise's flashback almost made me cry. Poor guy. Sorry for taking so long to review. Have a fantastic day.

"it's light" should be "its light". Great chapter. I like the emotion and description. Sorry for taking so long to review.

~Twilight Starr

Yay! You updated!

Awesome chapter...can't wait to get to the next chapter!

"it's sloping side" should be "its sloping side".

I like the shortness of the chapter and the description of her journey. Nice work. Keep writing! :D

~Twilight Starr~

Reading this chapter very slowly and carefully, I've noticed that some of your sentences are a bit repetative in the area of word choice. In the first and second paragraphs, you really kind of overdid the whole shadow thing. It got to the point where all my mind could register was the word "shadow". There's another part in the third section, paragraph 3, where the word leg was used twice in the same sentence. This sensation brought on by using the same word over and over again makes it hard to follow whats actually going on in the scene. It also sounds very awkward in my mental stream of thought. I'd suggest finding some synonyms, or if you need to, change the entire structure of the sentence so that you don't need to repeat the same words too much (For example, in the second case I pointed out, I'd change the second "leg" to "foot", or something).

Also I feel that your narration is getting detached from the characters. It feels like your telling this story just to tell it. I'm not... sympathizing with the characters. You don't put enough work into what they're feeling, instead you're just telling what they're doing. I think this comes in part because the wording is too rushed. This is actually something I've noticed for a while, but Now I know exactly what the problem is. When you write, you tend to combine two separate thoughts into the same sentence. This is ok when done occasionally, but it happens too frequently in this story. When I read sentences with that same structure, it feels redundant, and my brain doesn't absorb the information.

These are some pretty serious problems when it comes to novel writing, and I wish I could help you in more specific ways! It's hard to explain exactly whats going on when I read your work. Anyhow, I'll be waiting for your next chapter.

Whoa, pause! First sentence is a run-on. You switched subjects, too many commas, general confusion, etc. In that same paragraph, you described the hilt of the sword being wrapped in silk, then go on to say she could feel the roughness of the wood. Oops, contradiction...

ooh, waterfall plunge. How cliche. Anyway, in that same scene, you mention that Chaise recognizes the person after him but give no indication to the reader who she might be. It leaves a certain amount of suspense, especially when he lies to Rob about not knowing who she was. That's good, as your story seemed to lack effective dynamic elements before this. I'm of course assuming that these people play an at least somewhat significant part in the story...

I'm noticing how you're blending cultures throughout the story, between east and west. Come to think of it, I'd like to see some more cultural background and possibly how it influences the characters. You did this a bit with the elves in the last book, but there's not nearly enough, especially with the "western" styled characters.

Laugh out loud moment again: "P.S. I took Mother's long swords." Sentimental letter, followed by something that strikes me as a little irrelevant. I'm not sure what your purpose was with that statement.

Grammatical suggestion: in the third paragraph from the bottom, put a period between "back" and "my" instead of a comma.

Well, that's all I've got. I think this chapter is one of the best written so far.

i love your writing style! the characters are very real and chaise sounds extremely hot...i must say.

Very, very interesting. I liked the humor between friends when Chaise responded, "No idea." Great job!

~Twilight Starr~

I would be scared of that amulet. It sounds like trouble. Nice work.

~Twilight Starr~

Nice addition. Sorry for taking so long to R&R. Have a fantastic day.

~Twilight Starr~

I'm done congratulating you on imagery. You know what you're doing, and probably don't need to hear me going on about stuff you can already do.

Good revision to the prologue, first of all. A bit clearer/emotional. Good, however, the next chapter starts off imediately with some geography and no tension whatsoever from that last part. That's ok I suppose, but the transition didn't sit right with my emotional equilibrium (I did think the geography part was a good thing to put in, as its something you didn't go into last book). yeah, you don't need to change that... maybe I'm in a weird mood... besides it picks up in a couple paragraphs.

In chapter 2: "Her eyes...Alina had said." That whole section is presented very badly, and I had to read it three times to understand what you meant. Its a run-on, basically. Eventhough there's a period in the middle somewhere, the second sentence starts with "and" (also not good) so the whole thing comes off as one sentence... I think if you read it, you'll understand the problem, and be able to fix it.

I find it odd that Chaise would play favorites between his wife and daughter. In that scene in chapter 2, they were talking about the succession when Chaise says something to the effect of "his daughter is weak unlike Alina". This seems odd for a father to do. Later, he says that she will be "honorable", but to me, that hardly seems to make of for the remark. I would use some stronger words at that point, something to the effect: "She can never replace her mother, yet she will be a really awesome ruler in her own special way." Something other than honor and might, because they're both cliched and broad. Lets hear some fatherly pride!

I don't know if you did this on purpose, but I seriously laughed audiably when Lia was sobbing while insisting shes strong. Irony the word for it, and it struck me as hilarious, absolutely killing the mood. And whats with the harry potter-esque Chaise/Marcus energy-linked stare down? How could Chaise have been so blind? It was very obvious there was something non-kosher with Marcus... Happens kinda early on too... Good forshadowing though, with the "there are many more like me, mwahaha... etc." Its very reminescient of... Harry Potter! Sorry, I'm not quite sure why... I swear, I haven't read the books in awhile. I just think, wow, where have we seen this before?

One last thing: the last sentence is rushed. I can't understand what you were going for...

Well, thats all for now. I've got this on my alert list, so you can expect more from me. Since schools out and I'm back to haveing no life, I'll have plenty of time to go over your work (and hopefully get more of mine done >.>)

hey, thanks for letting me know! i'll do my best to keep up with your story, although i have little time since my two jobs demand most of my time. can u believe it? they want me to work 54 hours next week!? anyway, love the start to this story. very nice. :D

Amazing beginning. It almost made me cry for Chaise again. Lovely job at description. I like the title. Sorry for taking so long to read it.

Have a brilliant summer.

~Twilight Starr~