I think this story is very cliche...but what can you do? Its the old House on a hill story. Thats not a bad thing though, I think...that your language in this story sounded really forced and it sounded like you were trying to be deep like when it says
"JAKE!!" Kelly and I shouted at the same time, fearing for the safety of our dear friend. Who really says that?? It just doesn't sound legit. Overall good though.