Unfortunately, I can't comment much on the plot, since I haven't read the rest of the story, but you said you wanted chapter three.

I thought the beginning of this was a bit wordy, for what the scene seems to be trying to portray. That first line is one really big run-on sentence. A lot of words just to say that he isn't so sure of himself anymore.

There's a lot of purple prose here. 'Sickening crescendo', 'rotund sentry', 'terrible thump'. Also, every single event is given the same emphasis, making it a little bit like a soap opera where every single tiny event is some big dramatic climax. Since everything is at the exact same emotional level, it all kind of gets lumped together and then nothing stands out as being significant.

I thought the pacing was pretty good, however. Except for the places where it got a little wordy, your writing kept up with the pace of the action which kept up a sense of immediacy. I think it read at a pretty similar pace to what the action actually was. Action scenes are pretty hard to write, especially when it comes to pacing, but you did a good job with that.

This is a good opening, a nice standard sword-and-sorcery style piece. I think that the thing which really sets it apart for me is the description of the Vampires - they are shown wrapped in their cloaks and so forth. That is very cool indeed, as most often we see Vampires attacking during the night, and this is unusual and draws the reader in. I also like the use of tricornered hats - dunno why, but it just looks cool!

I think that the thing which I would say needs improvement is the actual opening - the narrative voice seems very knowledgeable, predicting what will happen. It might be a cool idea to tell the tale without that prediction - and perhaps to hold off on just who the vampires are. Just describe them, and let the reader guess. This would get to the action faster, and that might make the piece more interesting.

Perhaps you could start with the combat without ANY description and then have Syn tell the tale to a prisoner? Maybe a beautiful woman who thinks she might be turned into a Vampire as a reward, but who is then simply drained and killed?

In any case, a good story!

The first two parahgraphs had me hooked, and i wanted to keep reading! :] haha. it was a wonder, description chapter. ...vampires... amazing stories always seem to have them in it! haha... so A+ with me.

Um, a few or your senteces were with commas, and needed a semi-colon, or to be stopped... like a run-on. Otherwise... it was good..

Wonderful opening chapter! You didn't come right out throwing information at the readers, explaining everything but just threw in little bits with your desciptions, explaining the world just as you went along explaining what was going down. Great job there.

No criticisms for you here, you seem to have a good handle on this chapter/prolouge. So keep up the good work!

I'm gonna start reading thins now! Please update fast.

Review game!

1.) "He couldn’t wield the artefact for longer than an hour at a time..." 'Artifact' is spelled wrong.

2.) "With both in his possession, he could not only blot out the sun, but eradicateit completely." You conjoined 'eradicate' and 'it.'

Alright, so far, your descriptions are excellent, but I'm not really liking the stereotypical minions and their master. This is something you want to avoid in fantasy I think, because it's seen so much.

Ex.) The all powerful dark lord who wants to rule the world.

I tend to like stories where the 'evil' guys aren't actually evil, or they have ulterior motives. Just a thought.

But so far, it is very hard to find anything else wrong with it.

Good job!

-Ramen

The beginning of this was good. It was nice to see Cy - who has been quite confident up to know - doubt himselt a bit. it made me remember how young he was.

This bit made me laugh:“They might, though,” he added with a nervous squeak. I also found teh way you wrote all the action really engaging. It carried me along quite well, and I didn't find myself getting lost.

I'm interested to know what sort of devious traps he encounters in the vaults as well...

Glad I got to meet Cy. It's interetsing that he is breaking in to the fort to deliberatly stop the vampires. Most thieves would have been anti-heros and done it for themselves and then stumbled upon the gauntlet by accident. - It makes him more interesting, and I'd like to see where he ends up, and if there is a particular reason why he feels responsible. Actually did you mention that the vampires had killed his family? Sorry, I'm at work and in a bit of a rush!

'darkness had fallen around noon, and that could only have meant one thing. The vampires had attacked again, somewhere, and who knew what atrocities they had left behind in their wake'. – like that you’ve tied it in to the previous chapter.

Liked the bit where he pulled teh grass aside like a curtain too. It gave me a very vivid image.

One thing about Wulfgar - does he need the potion to change? Or is it only when it's a new moon? I got a bit confused.

I alos think the style suits young adult, it's quite dramatic in places, but not overly so. I think that's what I mean.

Nasty cliff hanger though - looking forward to the next chapter.

(Told you I wouldn't be able to wait for the Review Game.)

Oh, this is gory - I love it! Great depiction of action - Your description of Wulfgar 'hammering guards against the gate' made me shudder and smile all at the same time. And I wish I had a pet Werewulf too (though from your description of Wulfgar I expect if I ever got one I'd regret it very much once a month). I like how you deviated from the stereotyped werewolf to create a different and infinitely more interesting creature.

Cy is such an interesting person. I'd like to know how he got to know Wulfgar, and why he's so intent on being the one to find Nightfoe. Are you going to reveal that soon, or will I have to agonise for a few more chapters?

Hurry and write! (Oh, does that sound like I'm pestering you? Because I am.)

XD

Wow...Cy and Wulfgar are really interesting characters. Nice bit about werewulves as well, I never saw that coming.


Oh I replied so quickly I forgot to tell you why I capitalize the first five letters of each chapter. The original form of the story was a book and people needed 'help' knowing when chapters began.

I've read tons of vampire stories in my days, but this is none like any other I've read. It's a new, interesting plot-line. I mean, not the vampires trying to take over the world bit, but the gauntlet...and that it's set in a different world. Naine isn't an actual place, right? I feel stupid if it is real. XD

I like the Grawl. I feel bad for it too. Cute little...creepy thing. Can't wait to read chapter two since it's up!

Review game!

Nice. I like this chapter. The action is snappy and fast-paced. The descriptions are great.

Cy seems a little flat to me. He acts almost too heroic. He doesn't seem scared of his task, and the fact that he takes it upon himself to steal the sword makes him look cocky. It wasn't really clear why the king wouldn't use the sword in the first place, if it had such great powers.

"Hammering them with such force that they were breaking apart."
This line was a little confusing. Were the guards breaking apart or were the gates?

I liked the idea of the werewulfs. Usually they are humans that turn into wolves, so your approach was very creative.

I'm adding this to my favorites! Good job!

This is awesome. I'd agree with the Vampire Lord for hating humans for that reason. This is already turning out to be an interesting story.

absolutely fantastic!

Chilling words at the end really do close up the chapter well.

I love how in the blood-lust he almost can't control his horde, makes him seem much more real. The character is fantastic, interesting and powerful.

Really sets the story apart from other vampire stories, he is dark and ruthless. Makes me wish he was my character and when you read someone's story and think that... then you know it's a cracker!

Stoo

Oh man, the imagery in this is, in my opinion, absolute perfection. It's as if it was played out in front of me, just, wow. The description is flawless, and I can't rave about it any more! (Or I'll go insane or something, haha.)

Because I cannot find any other faults, I wanna add that the pace of the story is also great. Although it does have some lengthy descriptions, they never interfere with how the story is moving along and what is happening, which is especially hard when you have such hard things to describe.

=D Loved it.