My gosh, I love your writing! And not that I don't love neurotic characters or anything, but this story is absolutely superb :D Can't wait for more~

I like that it starts out with phone messages. Even though it's pretty inane, something about it grabs my attention.

LYNNE!! That's her name. I also noticed that from the way she's always defending Adrian, she does not have a very high concept of self-worth.

I find it funny that her mother can't understand what she's saying. And it may get sticky if Cricket's hate for Keyes is actually a secret love.

"What mascara do you use?" I am SO going to use that as a subject changer one of these days.

You have: the girl was going to take some taking used to. I think you meant: the girl was going to take some GETTING used to. That's located right after Cricket is about to order take-out.

Compares everybody to Adrian . . . sign of still being 'in love'. Sad, really.

Keyes taking one of her bags without her asking shows that even if Cricket hates him, he has a gentlemanly side. It actually made me cheer slightly inside, because chivalry rules!

Unless he took a year off before college, I'd place him closer to twenty-two.

I liked the interaction between Lynne and Keyes. And it also showed that Lynne is a lot more sensitive about her lisp than she may care to admit to herself. I do feel a bit sorry for Keyes though. I felt as if he was just trying to be friendly.

I thought girls felt complimented when a guy said that they could use a little more food? ^_^ Although, with Cricket having been anorexic, I can see where that would be a problem. Keyes certainly has a knack for saying the worse possible thing to the worst possible person.

Oi! I love dancing around the house.

Sometimes I think I have a mild case of Tourette's. But then I just realize that sometimes I don't know how to keep my mouth shut. It must be nice, though, being able to blame perpetual rudeness on a disease. Have you seen P.S. I Love You?? Phenomenal movie!

Aww .. . he called her pretty.

Poor guy. For a girl who basically defended her gay boyfriend to her mother, she is certainly upfront. lol. But being dumped (or walking in on your boyfriend with your brother, thus terminating the relationship) will do that to a person.

--

I'm slightly sad that this only has three chapters so far. But it's probably for the best, considering it's two in the morning.

Cassandra

In an effort to give a decent, non-rambling review, I am going to review as I read.

Tons of em-dashes in the first few paragraphs, which isn't necessarily a bad thing--em dashes is one of my favorite punctuations--but be careful not to over use.

Perky, pesky Asian. I like it because of the alliteration. And I also like the description of their first meetings. I am a big fan of flashbacks that hold onto the present of the story--if that makes any sense at all.

Buying things for full price is so overrated.

What is a 'bubble dress'?

Why hasn't she seen Cricket in a year? Do they not go to school together?

I like Cricket's bluntness. She doesn't sugarcoat things and that make a very startling, strong secondary character.

Okay, so she leaved at home, but was in college (?) and Adrian lived with her and her family. Do I have this right?

It's really sad, though, that she moved out of her own home. I mean, REALLY, Adrian should have to move out. Although, I wouldn't want to be in the same house as my brother after I witnessed such a scene.

It speaks a bit about the MC's personality that first, she didn't immediately tell cricket about the breakup, and second, she didn't tell her the REASON. She's a very private person, but you showed that, instead of just having the MC (sorry, I never know the names in first-person stories) say she was a private person. Very good.

And, also, I liked how you gave just a glimpse of who may be the next guy in her life. Long first scenes tend to be a bit cliche. (Although I have a tendency to do them myself.)

That is all.

Cassandra

Yea! A MC with a speech impediment.

I say that only because I have one myself . . . except most people think that it's an accent, so it works for me . . . other than the fact that everybody is always like: "Where are you from?" And I'm like: "Indiana". And then their like: "But before that . . . where were you born?" And then, even though I want to say 'Indiana' because I lived their almost ALL my life, I can't let myself lie, so I say Germany, because my mom is in the military. Which somehow leads to me telling my entire life story. And THEN after all of that work, they are finally like: "But then where did you get your accent?" And I finally confess that it's actually a speech impediment.

So maybe it doesn't work for me.

Anyways, I should be asleep, especially considering I have to be at work by a quarter til eight. But I don't really want to sleep and I'm bored, so I thought I would check out one of your stories.

The plot seems to be a very interesting premise and is sure to be tons of fun. Although, if I ever date a guy who hooks up with my brother (who is, as far as I know, straight) I will be VERY put out . . . as Prince Humperdick says in the Princess Bride.

Yeah . . . okay, on to chapter two. Sorry that this was more rambling than reviewing. I will try to do better in the future.

Cassandra

Loved this chapter so much! (I believe you, Keyes! >_

This is a very different style than you normally write. It's not really my favorite to read, but I think you're doing an excellent job with it.

In the last three paragraphs in chapter 2, you forgot to add the lisp into Lynne's sentences.

Hey, returning the review :)

I liked how this opened. It caught your attention and made you wonder why she was laughing, and what was so funny--or not. It was a bit rough for the first bit, but you settled into a nice flow that just sucked me right in. Stuff for later.

Her lisp threw me off every now and again though, but its something that adds to the story and creates sympathy. From hearing it, you can imagine how the other characters might see her and get in her shoes more.

I thought her reaction to the situation was done the best. I love people watching, and I can honestly say that how she reacted sounded perfectly natural to me, especially since you've described her nature quite well by then.

I didn't see any errors reading through; you proofed it well (or your good a straight runs; I'm forever finding typos on mine -_-;) So I can't find anything to really critique. I'll read on and see how it goes from here, but I'm going to need to get some food first. -cue stomach growling-

I'm glad TotG caught your eye, and I hope you enjoy it! I'm looking forward to when it picks up and the other shoe drops. ;)

Good writing,

-Rachel.

Man, this chapter feels like it came from a published novel! you're friggin' GOOD. I feel so bad for Lynne! I really want to see her mover forward and triumph! Update soon please.

Okay, wow, I liked that a lot.

Especially the originality. So I know what happens, who cares? This story is pretty awesome! Can't wait for the second chapter!

Er, I don't really think I would have changed anything...it was rather good. I can edit it later, but otherwise it was really good.

I like it. The idea is good and she seems like ab interesting character. I think the lisp is interesting, but its just kind of hard to read, some parts I had to sit and think about to understand.

I think its pretty good so far.

Update soon!

I like it. The idea is good and she seems like ab interesting character. I think the lisp is interesting, but its just kind of hard to read, some parts I had to sit and think about to understand.

I think its pretty good so far.

Update soon!

this is really interesting!
please update soon :)
x