|Reviews for Holiday|
| Durak 6/21/08 . chapter 1
Pretty good stuff. I hope you won't mind me going all critical-analysis on you:
Who are "they" in "there's nothing they can do about it"? I assume it means the people in the narrator's life, but since I took "nauseous" to be a literal feeling, I couldn't understand why there was implied blame on "they" for failing.
Also, and this is likely totally just me, but reading "Going to join the parade" made me think of My Chemical Romance's "The Black Parade". Or was that actually a reference?
Come to think of it, titling this "Holiday" instead of "Vacation" was also a nice touch. It's more... poetic. Well, more British to be sure - and if you are, well, holiday was a good choice. )
I like the bit about the ribbons a lot, but I think saying the narrator is tying them around "fists" is a bit forced. At the very least, it would indicate she's keeping her fists clenched, but that doesn't keep peace. Was their and implied contradiction I didn't pick up on? Still, I like that.
Oh, and "my nails are slightly biting" could be better. The feeling I got was a sense of suppressed neuroses or nervousness, but the grammar in that line is... well, I don't think it works as good as it could. What about "Because my nails I'm slightly biting"? Get four long I's in their too. But that's me.
I'm with everyone else in thinking "faking umbrella thoughts" is a very well-planned line. I also like "(but that's just my inner teenage angst talking)" aside. Well done. )
However, with the waterfall line, I'm confused again - what is the narrator's goal? How is trying to block out the "rain" like "trying to /catch/ a waterfall"? One implies she's trying to avoid it, the other that she's wishing she could keep it. Are you trying to say a lot of the "water" still gets by? If so, I think a different word than "catch" would help keep the mood (at least I believe it's the mood that is askew) consistent.
"And my fever[']s burning but the wet still sticks
And my exterior is more than pinpricked"
I like those two a lot. They're quite... lyrical.
Also, you do a good job keeping the sickness references throughout - "bruising my membrane", "fever's burning", "tongue is thick". Great way of keeping the images connected.
The "Anyway" that begins the third-to-last stanza stands out to me (of course, as it's off-set), but in a good way. The narrator did take a long digression to explain why she was taking a holiday, and a simple "Anyway" is a very good stream-of-speech way to bring it back. )
The second to last stanza (and the line "It's not love"), though, made me question the narrator's purpose again. What isn't love? Grammatically (I think) it would refer to her lying down and soaking up the images (a very good image, which I'll mention again). But I assume you meant to refer to the "thrusts of two strangers"? But if so, why?
Let me put it this way - the previous stanza seems very important, as it's a direct explanation for the final line (which I love; you actually told the reader what the narrator's motive's about! Kudos ) ). But this line doesn't make sense. Why is she soaking up all this loneliness (which is going to "explode" later), but then tell herself "Well, I'm not one to judge them - what's the harm in what they do?" Isn't she reveling in this? Doesn't she enjoy commiserating with the past visitors? I just don't see why she'd lie all of a sudden - at least, I thought it read like a lie.
Last stanza is wonderful. You make the narrator very human. Also, dropping the metaphors when talking about going back home, whether that was your intention or not, is another very good, subtle way of making the transition clear - that is, when she goes back to "reality" she now speaks "literally." You know? I'm having trouble saying this the right way.
The only other thing that confused me was the bit about small children and broken arms. Actually, I'm also confused about who/what it is they're trusting - sure, children are trusting, but I don't see the connection between their trusts and staying in a motel room.
Anyway. I really like this poem. I think the narrator's story and inner struggle could be clearer, but there are definitely some gems of metaphors and images in here.
I'll be sure to read more. )
| Arcane Hero 6/19/08 . chapter 1
I have no words for this. You are amazing.
| SirScott 6/11/08 . chapter 1
It would be scary to soak up the images that the hotel rooms see. Good job and great thoughts. I like the part about the UN. They are pretty much useless.
| the face in the window 6/10/08 . chapter 1
"And so suddenly it’s raining
And I’m faking umbrella thoughts"
love, love, love that. brilliant writing as always.
| she smolders 6/10/08 . chapter 1
"And so suddenly it’s raining
And I’m faking umbrella thoughts"
I really love that part and just the basis of the entire poem. You have a special way of describing things that makes it feel so personal and makes your poem easy to relate to. Take care.
| kloun mannequin 6/9/08 . chapter 1
this poem makes me think you're having a lot of fun, I don't know but to me this is a poem about having fun.
| Johanna's mirror 6/9/08 . chapter 1
| fairytale failure 6/9/08 . chapter 1
I liked the free-flowing rhymes in this piece. I thought it sounded almost like a rap, just switching from rhyming, to not, and back, whenever you felt like it. You had some really vivid imagery; my favourite was 'Bruising my membrane with memories' because of the repetition of the sounds, and also the splendid word choice. I also liked the idea of faking umbrella thoughts.
| East-0f-Eden 6/9/08 . chapter 1
you're really descriptive did you know that? that's a excellent quality to have in stories. I loved the
Like a useless UN official
Trying to persuade my nuclear activity to remain dormant
Be a doormat
(but that’s just my inner teenage angst talking)
bit. It was brilliant.
| Tranquil Thorns 6/9/08 . chapter 1
Bruising my membrane with memories' - I like your use of 'erupts'. I imagined an organ exploding (which is pretty disturbing/sickening) and I thought you did a good job with getting that emotion across.
I can say the same thing throughout the rest of the poem, too. You show, not tell, or word it in ways so it doesn't matter. I like when poems do that instead of stating the idea outright.
Good job. (:
| Thoughtful Silence 6/9/08 . chapter 1
I really loved the format and flow of this poem. For me, who can't rhyme to save myself, I really respect people who can do it well. It was also refreshing amidst a world of ABAB CDCD :)
ANYWAYS, I liked the imagery in this, and the last stanza (particularly the last line) was great. Good job.
| donxcat 6/9/08 . chapter 1
very good lots of emotion good use of language hard to follow in places but many poems are.
How do I know you? Do not remember reading any of your compositions...