"Will render you mortal."

it's as if the lovers were cold but passionate at the same time.

Hello here, second winner of the Review Marathon! I give you your prize! :)

First I have to say: wonderful summary. It was odd yet fitting with the title. I had to click :)
At first I was a bit overtaken by the poem because some words were pretty big to me, but after a translation via Google, I can say I get it now, and also: WOW!
(in case you didn't remember, I English aint my native language, so it is only natural some words escape me)

1st stanza: I suppose this is the stanza I don't really "get". How can it be cordially cold? And if it is, empty ought to be a presumed consequence (thus making the "but" odd). I am confused as you can see. What do you mean by cordially cold? Is he trying to act cold, but the warmth comes through either way, or vice versa? This stanza is only a problem if I really think about "what on earth is she saying?", otherwise it's nice.

2nd stanza: I saw someone say "splintered in evolution" was a bad phrase, but I disagree! I think it was creative and powerful. So I don't want you to change that.
The word "collective" makes me think of hippies though...
I didn't quite get "the she" and "simple he", but am I to take it she somehow outgrew him or became more successful?

3rd stanza: (did I get it right that he speaks incomprehensibly and she kind of short?) I liked the showcase of the differences! They were really strong there, and I can envision them now too.

4th stanza: Very nice ending. I love the words you use, they fit and are out of the ordinary. It brings a different "taste" to the whole poem. Well done! Also, I unlike another reviewer, appreciated the last two lines. I think, that maybe she thought him immortal before, that he was invincible. But once you really watch a person, you can see their flaws and that they're only human. That's how I interpreted it.

I want to say, that even though I have questions on hos to interpret, it does not mean I did not like this piece. I actually like that there are things open for interpretation ^^ The way I saw the poem was a bittersweet ending. Hopefully I am too astray from the story you envisioned!

General comment: I appreciate that you can master punctuation. I don't really like when it's looked over in poetry for no real reason.

Keep up the great work!

Frac

"until we splintered in evolution." I didn't like the word splintered. I can't really tell you why, but when I read it it just didn't sound right to me.

"Now I cannot decipher the riddle/by which you now grant passage." I thought repeating the word now there sounded a bit awkward.

The last stanza confused me a bit. You're saying you can't decipher the riddle, but then you say you can only chance upon them. So, how are you hearing the riddle? It just seemed a bit contradictory. Also, in the last two lines I couldn't understand how studying someone would render them mortal, but my guess is I just overlooking some meaning there.

Anyhow, I did really like the piece well. As always your word choices are just so amazing and your descriptions are great. More importantly i like the idea of this, the whole idea of how important language is is not something I read about a lot on fp. Awesome piece.

freebie


i am in love with your writing. your vocabulary is fantastic, your style just pops with the piece and the message is subtle and poignant. i am jealous of your talent, to be frank about it. people with what you have don't come along very often, and if they do, they certinatly aren't on fictionpress.

This was really good. The imagery was very good, vivid and original. You certainly have an impressive vocabulary. I loved the inherent religious connotations of 'glossolalia' contrasting with this notion of 'evolution'. The phrase 'cordially cold but empty' seemed a bit contradictory to me though, I mean ‘cordially cold’ implies a kind of empty image in itself.
Anyways, keep up the good work

-Thoughtful

you have good diction. i enjoyed the whole metaphor of love and language although i think that the things that we don't say become the more powerful than words themselves. as for feedback: i really don't have any sorry.

in response to your review: yeah it could have been better, i tend to post my roughs instead of fixing them up and posting them. i tend to leave my stuff the way it is because i just don't have the time to edit. it was short because i didn't know what else to write. i'm bad at expanding ideas. i like things short and concise.

the last two lines are the most poignant for me. it's like you found a solution, or something that will have to do.

I really enjoyed this poem; it has both literal and metaphoric meaning. A few things (both good and bad):

1) The second line ("...cordially cold but empty,...") seemed strange to me; when I think of something being cold, it usually corresponds with something being empty or something not having value. So, when I read that line I thought the world 'and' would be more appropriate than the word 'but' (though take it with a grain of salt).

2) I love the weave of contrast in the second stanza: 'collective' and 'simple,' 'two' and 'unison'; it really wraps the metaphorical aspect of the poem up. It's sort of like oxymoronic but in a good, subtle, justified way.

3) In the last stanza, I'm a little confused (though it may only be me). The last line (..."will render you mortal.") seems odd to me considering in the second stanza you say the person being narrated about "fermented a simple he." But doesn't that line imply that there is a certain mortality being spoken of?

All in all, I loved it. Like I said, you can take everything I said with a grain of salt, but if any of it helps you in any way I'd love to know =]. Oh, and I'd love to discuss my point (3) if you would oblige me.

-Justin.

Wow. This is absolutely wonderful, deeper than I originally thought and you... wow.

This was too awesome for me to read at almost 4 in the morning... You have major skillz. Kudos to the max.

the verbiage in this is great, flowing and impressive. the theme is quite enjoyable as well.

I really like the message here, but more so I loved the way you brought it into your poem through a 'story'. Strangely enough, I was reminded of fairytales ('once upon a time') as I was reading the first couple of stanzas.

Also, I like how at first language seems to be the only true key, but after everything changes it turns to 'Locked away by language'.

All in all, I enjoyed reading this. :)