|Reviews for A Silly Little Circumstance|
| Miss Peachy 10/19/11 . chapter 1
Best first chapter ever! I loved it so, so much! The two girls are polar opposites, (duh), but are completely adorable and funny. And that guy! He sounds sexy, but his awkwardness is pretty funny and believable. And then homegirl number 1 wants to continue with what they had started, lol! I laughed at her debauchery.
Loved the chapter, can't believe you haven't updated it in three or four years! It's amazing, and your writing style is very enviable. I hope you update again!
| Ioga 10/18/11 . chapter 1
Haw, I had to go back and read the summary of the story after it felt that there was some kind of mismatch there - and it turns out it's a teaser-spoiler for future chapters! :D Good luck on getting back on this - or on writing something completely different! The interNational Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) is upon us, so the name of the game is it doesn't matter what you write, as long as you keep writing. :)
I like the swing in your stories, they're reasonably fast-paced so you cover a lot of ground in under 1k words per chapter - without making the reader short of breath, either.
I'll comment on a few expression things - not because they're very disturbing but because you mentioned a worry about grammar mistakes in the author note. So feel free to do or not do whatever you like with these! :)
"But now, without focusing, he could see her face darkening in color."
The 'without focusing' was a bit open-ended: without focusing his eyes on her, or without really thinking about it, or without being able to concentrate on anything - it feels that it's missing a clarifying word of some kind.
I was a bit surprised that the nun-like character would use words like 'ass' and 'hell'. Clearly she's compensating for something with that outfit. :D
"Regaining himself, he pulled himself from off of her and"
I *think* the phrase you're going for with 'regaining himself' is either regaining his composure, or... a one-word-verb phrase I see before me as a concept but cannot translate to English! X-D Also, "himself from off of her" is a bit of a mix, sounds like a translation from another language. "he pulled himself off her" or "he pulled away from her".
"And it's not just your birthday, its mines too!" Mine, without s, unless this is a deliberate stylization of the character's speech, in which case grammar commentary can go straight out the window. :)
I had a bit of trouble following who said which part in the same paragraph, since it had three lines and I think the speaker changed in the middle - maybe add a paragraph break whenever the speaker changes? It's one of those customary ways of pointing it out without having to say who's speaking.
"you're embarrassing." - there is a word missing from here too to complete the meaning, did you go for "you're embarrassing me", or "you look like a slut" or "we have embarassed you enough as it is" or "you're blushing" or something such!
Thanks for this!
| Niki Tori 6/26/11 . chapter 1
This was a wonderful read. I really enjoyed the description you used to set apart the twins. Hope to read more of this story soon!
| S.Terasaki 3/9/10 . chapter 1
A male prostitute! I love it! Hope you post more very soon I can't wait to read what happens next.
| misery sister 10/18/08 . chapter 1
Very interesting beginning. :)
| DeceptionIsMySpecialty 6/27/08 . chapter 1
I really like this. What an interesting idea. I especially liked how well you wrote the dialouge between the sisters. I can't wait to find out why they hate each other so much. Keep writing, please.
| Enigmatic Night 6/21/08 . chapter 1
The concept is pretty funny, and embarrassing for both of them. I mean seriously... a male prostitute? Why would she hire... I don't even want to go into it.
If I'm not too lazy (and am procrastinating like mad) I like to point out a couple of things that you might want to fix up in order to make your story flow a bit better.
Dialogue, when a different person from the first speaker (in speech marks) speaks, it's a pretty good idea to start this on a new line. It's a good way to clarify that it's a different person talking. It's kinda easy to get confused with these things, especially if there is a lot of dialogue. It helps a person's (good one liners! lol) words stand out more as well.
Like: [“You don’t have a boyfriend, do you?” She shot an aggravated glare at the door. “No. Worse.”] (they're both on the same line)
[“You don’t have a boyfriend, do you?” She shot an aggravated glare at the door.
“No. Worse.”] (by seperating the two different sentences you make the dialogue clearer.)
And.. the way you use your pronouns is a bit confusing. Just that when the guy describes the twin standing there and he then decides to get off the girl he's on top of, because of the use of pronouns beforehand and you don't distinguish whom he's referring to until AFTER...
[Regaining himself, he pulled himself from off of her and tossed her her shirt, while he wiggled back into his jeans as quick as possible.]
...it gets a tad confusing, and it would be easy for someone to mistake you for referring to the girl at the door.
I understand that you want to keep names and whatnot undisclosed (hopefully) until the second chapter, so perhaps just a bit more caution to how you execute the use of pronouns is advised.
Wow that went on a little longer than I had orginally intended, anyhoo... I hope that made sense, it's just a bit of CC... because I'm pretty sure it's hard to come by.
And yeah- there are a few typos.. but I'm like the worst serial typo-ist out so no biggy. And I'm pretty sure I've stuffed up on things I've mentioned above before.
Erm.. “I hope you’ll understand if I say I don’t want to touch that.” [Fav line haha]
I hope you update soon, give me more reasons to procrastinate. Meh, I'm not gonna lie.. the rest of my reviews will probably not be as substantial as this one. :D
| pixiepoptartz 6/20/08 . chapter 1
this is so interesting! i've never come across a story like this before & i'm def. hoping to see more. i want to see how The Man-Whore and The Nun (hope you don't mind me calling them that because idk their names) hit it off. (:
| daling 6/13/08 . chapter 1
please dont stop uploading.
hehe. keep it up!
| little smiles 6/13/08 . chapter 1
I think it was a really good start, it got my attention straight away - which is so important in opening chapters! I could really picture her refusing to shake his hand, and could feel his awkwardness. I'll be looking out for more!