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| Josh Howatt 2008-06-14 ch 1,  | abuseOk. So I'm gonna start off with some line crits and then wrap up at the end. when we started out explorations." started [our] explorations that held it in." that held it (in) He shook his head nearly imperceptibly." He shook his head (nearly imperceptibly). This part is just excess. Doesn't add. I would get rid of it. She died when I was in the hospital that night." You might want to clariy that it was the mother. After the long exposition about Jakob I forgot all about the mother With the bus, we got- or I suppose I should say I got- more death." I did not care for this line. I would find a verb other than "got". meant to let us all introduce ourselves, in layman’s terms." Ditch the "layman's terms." It doesn't makes sense. You weren't previously explaining anything exotic, or complicated that would need dumbing down. ACK! I got to the end and was bummed. I feel ripped off. LOL Overall, pretty good. It meanders a bit at times. Going between memories of loss to the television show. Sometimes a bit hard to follow. The writing is decent. Needs a little work in places, but definitely on the right track. The characterization is very, very good. With the language and tone of the story the character really shows through. I can see Katherine and connect with her. The call back to her introduction to Jakob was a nice touch. Although i would get rid of the line right after where it says "Back in the present." And just start with "I was shaking." The italics tell us that it's a flashback. So keep it up. FINISH IT! :P And then let us know so that we can come back and give more feedback. Best, Josh |
| AlexSanguine 2008-06-14 ch 1, | abuseI love that song from Silent Hill. I haven't heard it in forever! It really does set the mood for this piece. I feel really bad for Katherine..so many people in her life died. ;_; and the other Jakob makes me sorta suspicious...Hope to read more! |
| Piewithpancakes 2008-06-14 ch 1, | abuse*SQUEE* I LOVE IT! Seriously, I love the whole feel of the story! I'd love to read more. ~Piewithpancakes |