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| Fractured Illusion 2008-07-11 ch 1,  | abuseCongrats, winner of my Fight For the Freebie! Here is my 800th review! :o Okies, I think you may be abusing the ellipses (aka, the three dots ... ). Just a tad. Ie: "he tried to hit, I blocked…he went for every vulnerable spot" That doesn't make the sentence flow. Rather, it stumps it. Amputates it. You have a disfigured sentence and I suggest a plastic operation (aka editing!) ;o You could replace with a comma or a period. I suggest period. Makes the most sense. Of course this was just one example of a sore thumb, so to speak. I suggest to be picky about where you put your ellipses from hereon forward. ^^; For the story itself, I was drawn in by the start of it. You started on an interesting note, metaphors and whatnot that are descriptive both to the scenario and generally. I liked that. The description of the sword, past and present, particularly stood out to me in a positive way. It fell flat, however, once the villain of the story entered and they fight. They were having a climatic life and death battle, our hero is in turmoil, and I cannot really sympathize with him because the villain seems to have no personality or anything to fear. Yes, he killed a person, but doesn't every villain? And he killed someone that seems to have zero fighting skill, so am I supposed to be in suspense thinking he is good or just got a lucky shot? I realize for a one-shot this is problematic to fill in on these things. But unless the intention was to have it completely black and white, I'd suggest adding a bit gray into it. Overall, the start and the end was what I liked. Last line was a nice conclusion to it all, as well. Frac |
| dragonflydreamer 2008-07-01 ch 1, | abuseFreebie review! I really liked this story. Your descriptions helped me get into the character's mind. I could feel his rage and his desire for revenge almost as clearly as if I were the one living it. This was fast-paced, which kept me interested, yet you described it all thoroughly, so I wasn't lost. I wish you had added more about his relationship with Meera. Even some more brief flashbacks would have helped. It's not necessary to progress the story, but I felt that I was left hanging with such a brief reference to their past. This was a great story. I like your style, as well as your plot. Beautiful work! |
| Mystic and Masochistic 2008-06-15 ch 1, | abuseI don't think it was too dramatic, nor lost. I think that it was very good, considering I have barely any idea what 'Final Fantasy VII' is. I think the things in italics are very good, for they are good advice. Amazing! ~Isabel |