Reviews for The War of Mun - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: The War of Mun

Tabytha -DF-5C-NDA- 2008-10-06 ch 3,	Okay: There are a few technical errors, but it seems like everyone's already touched over that, so I'll skip. Just use SpellCheck, or get a beta. :) I don't think the chapters are too terribly short. They're like vignettes. Just a quick observation, why is Chapter 1 called Chapter 2, and so on? Otherwise... Good plotline, it seems. Can't wait to read more :) -Tabytha
FrenzyFan78 2008-10-06 ch 1,	Okay - first chapter. Actually, the summary. I did notice that you had a typo in the summary (I think it was on journey) and that can be a major turn-off to readers. Summaries, after all, are a taste of what the story will be like, and if it's not good a reader will assume that the story isn't good. Anyway. I think I have to agree with other reviewers in saying that the pacing of this chapter seems rushed. I think this comes partially from generic dialogue and a lack of details. I mean you do have some good similes and metaphors, but I think you need more sensory detail - especially in relation to the characters. In the first paragraph you said that the "sun blazed hot." I find it almost redundant to have the "hot" in there - it almost seems more powerful to just say that the sun blazed. Then again, you use the same metaphor again in the third paragraph, and I think that some variation would be good. Another discrepancy that nettled me a little bit was the fact that Bryce went chasing after the thief. He said at the beginning, "I'm gonna die." If he runs after the thief, where did the energy come from? It didn't seem as if he were tired at all. Details would help - was he sweating? Gasping for breath? Was he having trouble gaining on the thief? Did his adrenalin kick in to give him energy? And the first man chasing after the thief - if he was just yelling "Hey you, stop!", would he really take the time to have a nice chat with Bryce? I don't think that he would take the time to explain why - he would probably just say something like, "Hey! That guy took my stuff! Stop him!" And again, the thief probably wouldn't state his reasons. He'd probably try and deny that he was going to do anything bad with the weapons in hope that Bryce would let him go. Usually if you're caught, you're not going to openly admit to anything until you're backed into a corner. And at the end - the old man says again that the thief was planning on selling the weapons (I think this is the third time now that a character has said that.) But I think this is the right time for that information - now that the old man has his weapons back, he might offer his speculations as to why the thief had tried to take them. Not before. That's about all I have for now - if I don't stop typing I'm going to be late for work. =D -FrenzyFan78
GRAYTEXT 2008-10-05 ch 10,	In answer to your first question, the first chapter did flow okay, but I think it would flow better combined with the second chapter. "Yeah, just the wind" from the second chapter was a better hook to keep reading than "It was easy to see that Bryce, the would-be hero, was in trouble." Likewise, I think chapters 3 and 4 could also be combined, and the same for 5, 6, and 7. I don't necessarily see the chapters as too short, but you have to ask yourself what is gained by separating them. Mostly I think you're just giving away too much too soon, like vinny2 suggested with the dialogue about the thief. Fight the urge as an author to lay all your cards on the table, otherwise it builds no suspension for the reader. Try to include as many relavent sensory details as you can. For instance, what does Bryce look like? What sound does the fire make in Bryce's ears other than crackling? Does it remind him of something? What does it smell like? Auditory and smell are the two most powerful tools for storing memories. Since the fire is something Bryce, I believe, will struggle with throughout this story, it needs to be more developed. The characters for the most part are believable. Cloverless is right about the focus of a story should being the characters, but that’s not to say the plot is not important. Plot is important in that it gives the characters obstacles to overcome, but that’s the important thing. The characters drive the plot by their choices and actions, rather than the plot driving the characters. But what hinders yours is the dialogue. Right now they seem to be little more than mouth pieces for the narrator. Dialogue is a tricky thing to write because in our heads it sounds reasonable, but once it’s on paper it looks stiff and forced. And with your dialogue, it’s not the wording, it’s the subjects. Why does the mother need to retell the story behind the war? Why couldn’t the narrator tell it via Bryce’s perspective to the audience in the first chapter? Also, the thief doesn’t have to reveal his motives. Bryce could just project them, the thief telling him he’s wrong and running away. Bits of dialogue I did find realistic were the crowds’ questions/projections, such as we find in chapters 4 and 7. That being said, the opening with the thief sets Bryce up as a responsible person (you can show this more by having Bryce not stop to chat with the man shouting “thief.” We can draw the conclusion that Bryce doesn’t like thieves by his merely chasing the guy down and tackling him), which contrasts with the third chapter when the ladies remark that Bryce is irresponsible. That is a great thing because it sets up conflict within your protagonist. But what if Bryce didn’t return home after his unsuccessful battle? Then he would be living up to the women’s gossip while he was trying to do the right thing, which would set up more conflict and a more developed character. I’ll try to do more chapters as I have time.
Cloverless 2008-10-05 ch 6,	So, this is interesting. I myself have a penchant for fantastical stories, and this one isn't bad. But with that being said you do have some problems, of which most are technical problems. First of all you have a real problem with pacing in your story. I've only read about five chapters of the story so far (or about a quarter of the story) and so far the flow of the story has been very clumsy. This partially stems from the fact that most of your chapters are so short, and honestly, they can't be more than 250 words (honestly, I'd be surprised to find that the entirety of the first five chapters is anymore than 1,0 words). Now the problem with having your chapters so short, and why it effects your pacing is that it doesn't give you very much room to do anything except to express the plot, and that isn't a good combination for amazing writing. Stories aren't about plot; they're about the characters that inhabit your world. As an author, a narrator, or whatever you deem yourself to be, your goal is to create characters (realistic, lively characters) that interact with the events and obstacles that you place in their life. All stories are based on this cause and effect nature: something happens, and the characters react; or the characters do something, and something happens. Whatever way it "goes down" in your stories the important part is how the characters act or react. So to apply it to what you've written, basically the problem here is that you're just going through the motions. Something happens, then something else happens, followed by a third sequential thing, which is followed by another until the story ultimately ends. The important thing to do when writing is to break up those events, generally into chapters. However, expand your chapters by giving more depth to the situation. Take some time to describe things, and take time to let your characters have interactions with another, developing as they go. This will help you in a few ways. Firstly, it'll make your characters more than hollow shells of life that no one cares about. Secondly, it'll allow you to pace your stories properly. You can use interactions to build tension and suspense than running through things at a wild-pace. The only other thing that was really of importance to note was that you have some problems with using the correct homonym in some instances. Just remember a few things: "Its" is possessive. "It's" is a contraction of "it is". "Their" is possessive for a group of people. "There" is a place. "They're" is a contraction of "they are". "Than" is a comparison between two things. "Then" is what you use in a list. Other than that, I must say that you are good with metaphors and similes, and you use them properly. You should keep up using them; they add a lot to stories and make it feel more vibrant and realistic. Just keep writing, and you'll get better in time. And remember too, I'm a nobody. Take what you want from this review, and leave what you don't. It's just one writer to another. Best of luck, and keep writing.
vinny2 2008-10-05 ch 1,	This chapter was too short. In which case, the pace was way to fast. Here we have Bryce who's at work and he's about to head home when he's contracted to tackle a thief. It all seemed way to haphazard. The dialog seemed flat and rehearsed at times. The the heavyset man yelled for assistance, I would assume that it was becuase the elderly thief was outrunning him. I find it unlikely that he would give a fairly lengthy explanation as to what he believes that the man has stolen it for. The plot is still a mystery to me, but it's becuase nothing has been explained at this point. I wasn't really left in suspence. I was just left with questions. I know very little about this world or the war that has ravaged it, so I can't call the thief in the wrong without more information. However, I did enjoy reading this. I have questions that need answers, and the only way to get those answers it to read on. I wished that your chapters were more in depth with thoughts, surroundings, and history, but this was enjoyable.
islandraveking19 2008-08-08 ch 3,	omg this story is so well written. I love the flow of the chapters. Its not long winded, its concise, yet detailed enough that it keeps the interest of the readers and lets us create our own interpretation of the scenes. Very well done!
All American Grl 2008-06-25 ch 5,	really good chapter!
Markellus 2008-06-23 ch 1,	Good beginning that catches reader's attention. Interesting idea Bryce going after an old man thief stealing weapons (!) I sure hope Bryce does something drastic before the dagger finds its way into his innards (!) But, again, 19-year olds sometimes tend to act before they think, don't they? In certain situations, this can be rather hazardous. Let's see a Chapter 2.
All American Grl 2008-06-21 ch 1,	This seems like a good story and I hope you right more about the war that's going on.

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