 Jesse the Storyteller 2008-08-16 . chapter 1I like the last line, because it's like even though HE just killed someone, it's like he feels bad for it but still blames the guy he (or she, really) killed.
"It choruses through your blood" This, however, is... eh. I don't know if you got the word wrong (it should be courses) or if you were trying to do something clever, but it ends up sounding weird. Courses goes better with the image of uncontrollable fire and such.
Also, realize should be spelled like that.
I like this line - "A dark chasm of pure emptiness to fill the void". It would have worked better, though, if you had made a mention of him having a void he wished to fill before then. It's an incredibly hopeless saying, though - but when you're in that situation, hopelessness is pretty much all you would feel.
-Jesse
Attack of the review marathon! (link in my profile) |
 doo7749 2008-06-24 . chapter 1><
Hot 'n Fast, I like -^^-
Especially like the images and the italics and the story and the beginning and the appeal to the senses, and the action that cuts into all of it at the end.
Only, I think that all the second-person doesn't really go with the abstractness of it all. I can only speak for myself, but for me, that creates a sort of feeling where I'm picturing the rage as fire, and I get distracted by the 'you', and my mind conflicts between trying to picture the pictures and reading the 'you'? Or I'm just too easily distracted or something xD
And I'm not sure why, but I think in the middle bit-
'You feel pain.
You taste blood.
You realise, you’ve bitten your lip.'
I think it would flow better without the 'you realise'.
e.g.
You feel pain.
You taste blood.
- you’ve bitten your lip
Or something? I think it sort of disrupts the momentum slightly? Dunno, just a suggestion :D
And thanks for writin' :D
-Iris |
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