... ok, so i love words. and i love typing, because anybody can hear this and put it in their own mind. its magical. this story... wow

I see the idea that you were talking about. You represented it here really well. Or the story was a really good representation of this . . . ? In terms of rhyming, maybe you should try making it not rhyme at all? I don't know. But the concept is very well done.

it does sound a bit sing-songy. don't force the sounds and rhymes.
just a thought...
everyone has those terrible moments, days, weeks, whatevers.
so why is yours different? what makes your terrible "whatever" so horrid? what is your fury, longing, pain, fear, and desire? that is what makes a poem. see if you can figure out how to put all of those things to words and into your poem.

i do like the connection with the feelings and elements.

This was good. We all have inspiration that helps us write, and sometimes anger can just be the key to writing something. Keep it Up!

i like all the imagery you used. very descriptive and the flow is really good.