Reviews for Radioactive Spider Bite

Alan Ball
2008-06-27
ch 1,

abuseGreat dialogue and interaction. It's Hot. And I'm straight.

Dexterity
2008-06-27
ch 1,

abuseReview Game!

Writing: It seems to fit the mood of the story. While I don't find your writing to be very artistic or anything, it does tell a lot about the characters. There are several minor issues though.

"bandages hands everywhere"
should be "bandaged hands everywhere"

"Use vinegar and you’ll pass out from he pain."
should be "from the pain"

"Danny when through two cans when he made the paint."
should be "went through"

"You’ll be look like the Grim Reaper if you don’t."
should be "You'll be looking like the Grim Reaper if you don't"

"But the money I earn on my own, from the ** hours that I get at the skating rink that goes to Danny."
should be "But the money I earn on my own from the ** hours that I get at the skating rink: that goes to Danny"

"begging to be releases from the confines of his skin."
should be "to be released"

"If I take to long he’ll get hurt and think that I don’t want him."
should be "If I take too long..."

Plot: I think this story seems more character-driven than plot-driven. Personally, I would prefer more development, more events unfolding and the like. However, that seems more like a personal decision of the author. One thing I really want to ask is: is your "chemical" fictional or real? It seems very unrealistic as I read about it, and since the rest of your story seems to have a realistic setting, I found it to have a "fantasy-taste", which wasn't really fitting. Then again, it might be just the fact that I'm a science major, and science majors are interested in these details, haha.

Dialogue: I really like your dialogue. It really suits the characters. I can really tell their personalities from what was being said.

Characters: While I don't really like your characters, I see some "truth" in them. There are people like that, and the way you portrayed them make them seem real.

Overall, not too bad. I haven't seen this style before. Personally, I'd prefer a bit more "substance" in the plotline. Maybe have some more development with the characters' past and more motive in their actions. Nonetheless, you've managed to convey much in a very small word count. Good job on that.

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