I'm sorry to say you won't be getting much helpful critique from me, for I'm in awe. When I read the explanation I was a little unsure about it, but you certainly did redeem yourself! I'm surprised how well it flowed; also, the meaning was intact even when lines were placed in what could have become a haphazard position. My favourite lines were "For a hollow heart so full of halls,
A day undoes a month of walls."
Simply brilliant. I find it impossible to criticize a thing about it.

This part --

Saccharine dreams, may syrup speak
Over bitter truth, tonight.
Lies have never been so sweet;
Icing flows, a milky stream,
Despairing for the bitter light.
Icing flows, a milky stream,
Taste and see that it is good.
You, too, shall learn how we recite:

-- I notice the line "Icing flows, a milky stream," is the 2nd in the other stanzas, whereas this is the 4th and 6th lines in this rather long one. It feels like it needs a break in there somewhere. I'm not sure if you want go so far as swapping things around to match the others, as I don't know what your intention was for this section...

Last stanza, this first line...

"Who who paided my way that I might be"

I'm not sure that's what you meant? Doesn't make sense to me...

"It always seems I come this far to slip."

-- Can we say 'slogan?' Because that's was that line was to me for most of my life and I HATED it so much. It kicks me back down sometimes, but I've been successful, for a while, in breaking free of that pattern.

I like it. A little rough in spots, but it adds to the meaning. I don't think it'd work if it were perfect. Very catchy. My mantra of the week.

I have to say that I was not really big on the form of the poetry, but honestly that is just one person's opinion. I just think it could do with a little tweaking...