Gha! So much sadness coming for Malcom. =( But I like Maria a lot more in this chapter. Also neat to see where Henuki's language skill comes from. The beginning was a little confusing, it's difficult to pick up in the middle of a scene when you're jumping from setting to setting so much. But otherwise, good job!

Nice job! You got a little babbly and repetitive in some places, but I liked it! :D It's nice to see older Henuki again. As I was reading a little part of me kept expecting to see Nory bounce in. Good job! And I'm sorry to say, but I'm on a writing hiatus right now. I'm saving my stuff for Nanowrimo/senior project. xP

Infinitely better! :D Clear, to the point, but still descriptive where it needs to be. I love that some of Henuki's character is starting to poke through; I couldn't help giggling when the horses showed up. If I would add one thing it would be a little more atmosphere, I really don't have any sense of where they are. But over all, great job! (And by the way, the last one really wasn't that bad. ;))

All in all, this was probably one of your weaker chapters, but that's to be expected at the I-hate-this-story stage. ^^* I agree with what you've said, the language thing is tricky. It seems to be taking up a little too much page time and it doens't make sense to us. I'd spend more time describing their body language, we understand that. Also, the interest in blood magic seemed a little sudden. Why does Malcom wan't to learn how to use it so bad? It's barely been mentioned before. It was all a little skippy, between leaving the swamp and then showing up at the library and the blood magic and Prolance. I did quite like the bit about the Drow's history, though, it was nice to have that filled in. Sorry for the harsh review, but so far the count's 10:1 good to bad. ^^

Pretty cool stuff here, too. I haven't read many books with Drows in it, but I'm convinced you got the nature down pretty well. As far as I can tell, those bastards hated EVERYONE, including their family. So good on ya.

The only thing I could spot was a line at the end: "The thought of me beginning for him was infuriating". Do you mean "begging" or do you actually mean "beginning"? Does this imply Malcom knew he was going to blank out and go nuts?

Y'know, when I was reading this, the first thing that popped up in my head was Salvatore. Hah! Awesome minds think alike, I guess. Go, Drizzt!

As for your prologue, great beginning. My recommendations would be just to change a few words around in a couple spots, just to eliminate repetition. There's a paragraph where Ian "steeled" himself twice, and another paragraph which describes the room states there are two chairs and a table twice. These aren't glaring and grating to the movement of the story, mind you, but changing them might smooth out some crinkles.

Cool concept, by the way!

good first chapter. I like the way you characterize keller. dialogue is fantastic. I'll have to read more later! :D

I loved this chapter! Definitely one of my favorites so far. Lot's of funny turns of phrase, which is my personal favorite kind of humor. And thanks for the shout-out! :D And I really don't think it needs to be longer. But if you wanted to beef up the length a little bit, I'd add more to the beginning, not the end. At first I wasn't really sure where we were or what was going on. Maybe start with Malcom narrating what Tith had told him about finding him and that sort of thing. But over all, awesome!

enjoyed it, of course! ^^ great charries, action, ect., all that stuff i've been saything the whole time. =) but as wonderful as henuki is, i think you might be overexaggerating him. does malcom have to react with such extreme shock and fear and awe EVERY time henuki does anything except sit?

I enjoyed this one. =) It was certainly funny, and I especially liked the parts where you poked fun at your charries, like Henuki's repetetive expressions. :D It definitely needs a lot of pruning, though. There's plenty of detail and probably only 75% of it is really necessary.

i really liked this one! :D the transition into the story was well done, and the language block was amusing. i also enjoyed the malcom/maria dynamic, i'm glad you just didn't have him falling loopy for her right away. she's quite a bit like henuki. o_0 out of curiosity, does he move more like maria or prolance? i want to send nory to the drow village in mininuki now. :D very amusing, and well done! it needs polishing, of course, awkward sentences and repeats and that sort of thing, but a rough draft is a rough draft. ^^

liked it! the thing with rose and narok definitely made me laugh. i don't see why you don't like this chapter, honestly. the end especially moved quickly. it's cool to get to see maria. henuki seems to be quite a bit like her. the dialog in the middle, with rose and narok seemed a little choppy though.

:D I liked this one...fast-paced and exciting.

Early in the chapter, Mslcom's talking about his unusual sleeping habits, then replies to Rose. It seemed sort of unconnected and for a few moments I thought he was going skitsophranic when he replied with 'we'. So that was just a strange thing there...and I really didn't see any other things that stood out to me and then proceeded to stick in my mind for the rest of the chapter. Besides your amazing writing.

Looking forward to the next one!

grimaced appeared twice. Switch up his expressions.

I think the story will go in tabloids and newspapers, not history.

I don't think you need to tell his drive to the prison. Just cut to the "State your name and business"

do they allow maximum security prisoners that much picklocking jewelry?

Just a few observations. I didn't find any grammatical errors. I got too engrossed with the story.

"...having three books of your books made into movies did give one that impression..."
Would it make more sense and flow better if it was rephrased to "having three of your books made into movies"?

Also, I'm not particularly fond of the awareness of the audience, persay, using words like "you" and whatnot. But that's just my personal opinion.

So...yeah. :3 Probably could have found other stuff if I wasn't just back from band..oh well. Good chapter.