Hello there, new reviewer here. First off, I congratulate you on a job well done for I'm officially hooked. What I liked about your prologue is that it was well thought out.

It was straight, simple and quickly gets its point across.

Well done.

Overall, you've definitely peaked my interest, so expect me to continue reading.

Okays...I guess i had better start at the bottom this time.
When giving thanks to a person for their help that you do not know, its probably best to refer to them as him/her or s/he (depending on sentence structure)...It saves any mistake or possible embarresment...Nexus is male. If your wondering why a man is reading this sort of story (why a man shouldnt be reading this sort of story is beyond me), and you really need a reason..i like the occult genre, and i like to help new writers out every now and again.

The chapter now...Theres a few places where some punctuation wouldn't go a miss..and theres a few minor sentence structure corrections...as well as a few typo's.

The large section of speech in bold could do with the speaker being named as its a little hard to follow (i had to go back over it twice and follow it step by step to work out who said what).

My general feel of this chapter is that it is slightly rushed...its got a quick pace to it which i dont think does it all that much justice.

Overall...story wise...you have a lot of potential to become a very good author if thats what you want to do!..but its going to take practice and a fair amount of time. I'm still learning myself and i have been at it a few years now! (although not constantly). Your not a crap writer / author at all...Rome wasn't built in a day...and aquiring skills such as writing and telling a story will take a long time! Good luck again!

this was a really good story. i cant wait for the next one :)

I enjoyed the chapter, and I sincerely understand the whole computer, and ppl hoggin it and gettin on yo nerves...adn can't wait for the next chapter

I walked to wards her
**towards

I stood about three meters from where my sister sat on opposite there sat Jacob
** Try and think of a better way of saying this...it seems a bit clumsy to me.

Throughout the chapter, you refer to the sister as 'sister'...but it would probably be better to name her. If she hasnt been introduced to the reader (i cant remember as i read and review so many stories) you could do it in this chapter. A description of how she was laid on the floor would give the reader a better image of the scene.

Perhaps some thing like :-
with her hair fanned out, covered in leaf litter. Her clothes covered in mud not to mention plastering her pale and otherwise flawless skin. As i approached her and Jacob slowly, i saw her eyes dart to me, and knew those green hues (which because of how dark it was in the clearing i couldn't see) were begging for an explanation.

Just a thought though!
-
All in all...a good chapter that with a little extra detail thrown in here and there, and a little 'housekeeping' would be a lot lot better! Compared to the other chapters i have looked at and read, this one is by far the easiest to follow with regards to speech, and i commend you on that. Writing is an art which gets easier and better with practice.
I look forward to reading more of your stories in the future!
Eternally
Nexus

I enjoyed the chapter, so plzz update soon, and i will b thinking for titles u could use...

this chapter was good. completly changed my veiw on jacob though. cant wait for the end :)

“It is okay. A vampire first kill can sometimes kill.”
doesn't really make sense. Needs rewording. i think i get the idea but...its better to spell it out for the reader.

“We need to exchange blood.” She said simply. I blinked and then it hit me.
They dont end up exchanging blood unless this is some thing that you have left out.

Perhaps remove this and the following line and just have Rosana say :

"Im going to hunt for you and bring you some one to feed on. It's going to be hard for your mortal half to deal with but you have to do this now"

This chapter also has a fair amount of something that i have reviewed in earlier chapters where 2 characters speech / action are on the same line. eg

“But wont I need to actually hunt?” she smiled.
^^--jez and then Rosana smiles at the end.

Some thing else that might be worth thinking about is the fact that as Jez is only half a vampire she does have a "mortal" side to her that might not be so comfortable with the vampires life. Perhaps have her struggle with her self to feed and have Rosana push her in to it.
This would add conflict within Jez and give her more depth and make her a more realistic character.

Just some ideas! Good luck on the story and may i wish you well with your other endeavours.
Nexus

A lot of speach in this chapter, which quite often has the side effect of losing the reader in who is speaking. Try breaking it up and adding extra actions...Like how the character stands or any gestures they make at all. Also for eg

“You want to be queen yes?” I nodded “Well the best thing to do it go to the queen herself and plead your case” I frowned.

that is all on one line in the story..break it up a little..so have some thing like

“You want to be queen yes?” he asked,looking over at me briefly.

I nodded

“Well the best thing to do it go to the queen herself and plead your case”

I frowned. This sounded a lot easier then i knew it was going to be
-
btw - to do it go should be - to do is go

Hope this helps!
all the best
Nexus

I liked this chpater. It was good. I cant wait for more. :)

I like so plz update soon

i love this story please finish it soon!

Of course, simply lovely,& I'll luv the fact that u'll b updating soon, so anyways...later.., and of course i luv the chapter

I liked this chapter, but i hope jez and kellan can stay together. cant wait for more. :)

I really like this chapter. its one of my favs so far. The part at the end with dan was cute. I def. wasnot expecting it. Can't wait for more. :) Oh and btw i know how you feel about the little brother thing. Mine acts the same way except hes 12. :)