Although this is beautiful, it feels a little-blunt, maybe? The feeling is there, and that's the hard part, now you just need to get the words right. Get creative! Mask this! Twist it! Don't be so uniform-instead of -forcing- it, just loosen up :D

*Drags Jeff of emo corner* It's very good, Pretend, but it can be better, as well xD

Or you can just ignore me, haha. After all, you're the poet.

-Shadow