Reviews for Killing Tweety - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Killing Tweety

Master Judgment 2008-08-14 ch 1,	abuseIn the introduction, the hook was adequate. Perhaps if you want more comedy, you could use Johnny's ecstatic actions to portray his emotions. This and a little dialogue could make this story more comical. As for the characters, Little Johnny is sort of developed, and perhaps the parents and the cousin could be too. I do not see much roundness in the characters, though. I liked the syntax of you placing of the words came, rolling, and off on different lines. It sort of reflected the movement of Tweety’s head. Now that I think about it, I didn’t see much, if any, dialogue at all. I, probably as well as others, would like to see dialogue, because its use will keep your readers intrigued. Even though this was a humorous story, perhaps a description of the setting could have contributed to it. You could describe the characters' appearances in more depth too. I didn't see much wrong with the plot. It was pretty basic. Johnny goes to a skating party. Tweety shows up, and he "kills" Tweety. The pace is fast. However, perhaps for a comedy, its suitable. Some readers would probably like more explanation and development, though, and thus, a bit slower pace. I enjoyed the story for what it was, or what it seems so far-a fast paced comedy. That meant I read it through quickly, and some parts made me laugh. Overall, I think it needs major improvement, so hopefully Sunday, that goal comes to fruition.
PhantomBialystock 2008-07-15 ch 1,	abuseA bit of dark humor! The ending was a surprise and made it funny, even though in some contexts it could be considered scary. I loved your idea for this story, and I can't express how much I enjoyed the surprise ending. The whole time, you just expect a cute little story about a cute little kid named Johnny, but what you really get is something totally different. I would suggest looking over your writing style a bit, though. There were some spots where you might be able to clean it up to make it flow nicer so it's easier to read. Just reading through it again will probably help you pick out a few things. Also, you might want to add commas in places. For example: "Still, slow skating was better than no skating Johnny soon realized as his mother, fed up with her son's antsy antics, threatened to leave him behind with Daddy if he didn't stop squirming around this very instant!" You might want to add a comma between skating and Johnny. Or you could write it "Still, Johnny soon realized that slow skating was better than no skating . . ." It might sound better. This is a great piece of writing though. Great job! :D
Willowindrain 2008-07-08 ch 1,	abuseHey. I'm from the Review Game. I liked the summary. Especially the last sentence because it made me wonder how did Little Johnny killed poor Tweety. There's an essence of suspense there. In the story, you portrayed Johnny quite well with the twitching of the hand, his special glow-in-the-dark spoon and how he thought that he could skate by himself and that he doesn't need his mother's help. The only parts that I can think of that interrupted the flow were these parts.(Note: These are mostly suggestions and it's up to your discretion whether to accept it or not.) QUOTE: 'After a lecture from Daddy about how eating too fast ...' and soon after that (in the next paragraph), 'After making sure her son was securely buckled in and that his...'. The 'after's repeated itself in an interval of less than 50 words. Maybe I'm a little obsessive but I think you should change one of it. And one more part : 'However, brave yellow bird launched himself into the sky in an attempt to avoid ploughing over the small child. ' 'However, the brave yellow bird...'. I think the article 'the' should be there. 'came crashing to ' went crashing down to LOVED the third last sentence. Though I think it might not be accepted in an essay... It really built up to the climax of the story. All in all it was a short read but it had me from the first word till the very end. Good job.
loves him 2008-07-07 ch 1,	abusereview game! I loved this, because altogether, it was too adorable. Aww man, but poor Tweety. There were a few things that really stuck out. How you underlined slow and italicized fast, I thought that that was a nice touch. Also, the parts where you described how the twitching started in his fingers and continued throughout his body and the part about Johnny's glow in the dark spoon seemed very genuine and for a 3-4 year old. Parts that I would fix would be where you refer to Johnny's parents referring to him. Does that make sense? I'll give an example. [...no skating Johnny soon realized as his mother, fed up with her son's antsy antics...] fed up with Johnny's antsy antics seems more appropriate. Maybe it's just me, but when you mention Johnny as his father's or mother's son, the attention that we're supposed to pay to him is kind of taken away. Of course, you don't have to change this, because your story makes sense the way it is, but still, it's a suggestion that's out there. Last of all, I loved the ending. Cutting off the second to last sentence seemed like a nice touch, textually, it kind of resembled Tweety's head being cut off too. I don't know if you had meant for that or not, but it came across that way and it's a really nice touch. Great job!
dragonflydreamer 2008-07-02 ch 1,	abuseVery nice work. Your summary worked well. The last sentence made me wonder what it was about. And of course there's only one way to find out: read it! You did a good job with Johnny's character. Little kids are always hard to develop as characters, but you did a good job portraying him as a typical kid, as well as giving him his own personality. I also liked how your story fit the same pattern as the summary. You spent some time talking about the normal events of a normal kid's life, then you suddenly dropped the bomb of Johnny "killing Tweety." It kept me interested the entire time. I feel rather useless, but I honestly don't have any concrit for this. I wish you luck with your English assignment. This is a very good story, so I hope you get a good grade on it!
WhenceComethThisBoredom 2008-07-01 ch 1,	abusewow. you young scam artist, you. no, I will not help you with your homework, and I do not appreciate the fact that a fine and quite normal, serious story turned into a silly critique of a cartoon or whatever by the end. what, is Tweety a plastic toy of something? and the last sentence hearkens too close to South Park for my liking, son. all you need is to append "You bastard!" and you've got it.

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