|Reviews for the someone|
| Isca 7/10/09 . chapter 1
"White haze...dusting the soles of her feet." I couldn't help but be drawn into the imagery here-it's so raw and gentle that it reminded me of a soul's first steps upon Heaven's ground.
"Her lithe form." Nice word choice. The word 'lithe' always reminds me of nymphs for some reason (that's a good thing haha).
"I don't believe in loving." Holy Christ. Pardon my language, but this line is so moving that I can't think of anything else to say other than: BRAVO! I'm stunned.
"Only angels." What a lovely way to end the poem. Why can't ghostly spirits be angels? It's a beautiful thought. Thank you for writing this piece. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. :)
(TRG - Poems - EF)
| ArekuKawaii 7/10/09 . chapter 1
Word Choice: 'film of water' I like that because you think of a camera, so the refection is actually the waters snapshot of you. I also like the word 'twitch' because it is a more common word and it is used to describe things often, but I think you made it unique in this poem.
Tone: For me the first half of the poem reads with the feeling of a first love yet something is off and not right with the situation. The second half is more desporation to explain while confusion sets in making the explaination sound off.
Punctuation(?): I like that you used '-' to split the poem up a little because that made me switch the way I was thinking while reading. Without those I think the poem would have felt raw and unfinished. I also like the section in brackets along with the itallics because there seems to be a hesitation about that in this poem.
Enjoyment: I enjoyed this poem because it made me think and I read a few possiblities out of this poem. And I enjoy the last line of the poem because it seems like the person is trying to convince themselves and prove they beleive in something when they probably beleive in more and don't want to admit it.
Overall, good job dear
| trash cans unite 4/30/09 . chapter 1
I am sort of winding down here, so this review will probably be my last for the night - and not nearly as descriptive as my other ones. I just wanted to tell you before I stopped that I absolutely LOVED those last lines! "I don't believe in / Ghosts / Only angels" Do you mind if I add that quote to my quote-book? I will naturally credit it to you, of course! (Unless you got it from somewhere/one else.)
| Fractured Illusion 4/21/09 . chapter 2
Hello Review Marathon winner! 2nd place is awesome, and here's a Review Squad-er delivering thy prize!
"But is it counting toward freedom
Or a slaughter?"
Cool lines, took me by surprise there :p
"Their long peace being shattered like glass
By a traitorous war?"
I like these lines too, very effective due to being so descriptive.
Verdict: I don't get the start at all, but I get things when the "the dude" is running from the monsters (?) and that this is more or less his last minutes of life. So from where I could understand what was going on, I liked it. Particularly the ending. When he shouts one word (which word? I wanna knows!11!) I feel sad for him. :( Poor messenger.
Good poem, but I don't get the start at all :/ I started to get things at the "town's clock tower" line.
Either way, keep it up!
| mikey magee 4/18/09 . chapter 1
Tone: I loved the tone. It went on at an easy pace and it was simple to follow. The speaker's voice had a gentle voice and choice of words that made it very easy to understand and follow.
Imagery: The best part of the poem. :) I loved how you used personification (White haze clings to the surface) to paint beautiful pictures. I only sugest you work on this line "But his eyes stubbornly refuse to meet hers." I understand where your coming form, but the word "stubbornly" seemed to throw the flow off a bit. Maybe just delete the "stubbornly".
Form: I liked the form. It matched to poem nicely. The poem seems to be about belief (i.e I believe in angels) and things that can't be touched, or has no tangibility (as with the reference to ghosts and water). The from has a nice undefined quality to it (i.e how it's centered and there isn't any organization to it.) which compliments the theme nicely.
Other: I really loved the last line. It suggests that the speaker somewhat found a "happy-ending" (believing in angels) and even though it's still intangible, it's alright.
Nice job. Wonderful work
| young and the reckless 3/22/09 . chapter 3
this is gorgeous in its way of making death seem so very glorious and magnificent. if this is what it should feel like, i don't think any of us have anything to worry about. fantastic description!
| S.L. Gunn 3/7/09 . chapter 1
this reminds me greatly of Phidippides, which is who i have a strong feeling you wrote this about.
i must say, you portrayed his suffering well
| Manifest-Destiny-x X 3/7/09 . chapter 1
I like the variation in the stanzas. It makes the poem interesting, in both look and sound.
I liked the block of rhetorical questions. It added a 'deeper' element to the piece. The last line was a great ending... obviously.
This reminds me of Phidipedees, or however you spell it...
| Manifest-Destiny-x X 3/2/09 . chapter 2
It's powerful. I was immediately struck with the immense feelimg and well... power of it. The only concrete thing that I can say id that I'm going to remember this for a long time.
The ending was flawless. I particularly liked the description in parentheses. It added a totally new layer to the piece.
| Isca 2/5/09 . chapter 2
On the contrary, I think this is very poetic, I just think it would be better if you combined the individual words to form more succinct lines. If you look at it this way, for example, the form then reinforces the content.
"White haze clings to the surface-
dusting the soles of her feet,
as the crook of her lips twitch upwards into a smile.
Her lithe form reflects in full image
off the film of water,
but his eyes stubbornly refuse to meet hers.
I don’t believe in: loving, beautiful, glowing, smiling ghosts, only angels."
Anyways, on to a more detailed review:
I would change 'The crook of her lips twitch upwards' to something like 'The crook of her lip twitched upwards.' This part just feels a bit awkward, and the imagery is powerful, so I think it just needs a bit of re-wording to fix it up. :)
The opening line, "White haze clings to the surface..." was absolutely brilliant-the contrast between white and black here is phenomenal-the widow adorned in black trails white upon her feet...WOW!
"I don't believe in ghosts, only angels." This was the perfect way to end this poem-with grace and poignancy.
"Her lithe form reflects in full image..." I love the mirror/water/reflection imagery here-it's haunting and captivating!
I enjoyed reading this! Keep writing!
(The Review Game - Poems - Easy Fix)
| empty tea bottles 1/11/09 . chapter 2
Hm, I have to agree with you that it lacks some poetic quality, but nonetheless it was a pleasant read.
A few things:
"As the crook
Of her lips
I think you might want to replace "twitch" with "twitches" since it's really modifying "crook", which is singular.
I love this, though:
(Loving, beautiful, glowing, smiling)
It's so simple, beautiful, and shattering.
| empty tea bottles 1/11/09 . chapter 1
Awesome alliteration! Whether intentional or not, it really defines the rhythm.
"His fears drive him harder,
Far beyond his limit
To drive out the innocent faces lingering in his vision."
I think the repetition of "drive" so close together is unnecessary and redundant. Not only that, but I'm sure you could find a stronger verb.
"No –not feet, but-
Tick, tick, tick
The town’s clock tower."
Love this! It manages to hold some suspense, but without being cheesy.
"The fiery burn dims to a numb discomfort in his arms,"
this line seems a bit too wordy and therefore breaks up the flow.
"That was his literal torment for days."
the word "literal" doesn't really do much for me. In fact, it sounds rather filler, as if you just placed it there because you were out of adjectives.
Overall, I like how vivid and simple this piece is. It did drag on a bit in the middle, especially at:
Someone will listen,
The town moves closer
And his ragged breaths shake pain
Up the cavity of his chest.
The fiery burn dims to a numb discomfort in his arms,
Now eating away at his expanding lungs.
He berates himself and grits his teeth.
He’s so close.
But after that, it picks back up.
| Written 1/1/09 . chapter 2
hey! the first one was interesting but a bit longer than I like poems to be (to each their own with poetry, you know what I mean?), but I greatly prefer this one. Just... the image and the words and it all goes together... I'm so bad at reviewing poetry, yeah? and I'm weird, but the word "film" used in this way is my fave.
| Iccle Fairy 7/2/08 . chapter 1
you have reason to like it! tis good! very descriptive again, easily had this very vivid scene in my head! would really like to know the whole story around this! would make a great prologue for a story?...don't you think? hint hint ;p however, have to say when the ticking starting, my very over active mind went straight for the croc in peter pan ;)